Simpsons beat 1st Amendment

A recent poll showed that Americans know more about The Simpsons TV show than the US Constitution's 1st Amendment.

There are 5 freedoms protected by the 1st amendment and 5 Simpson family members.

Only one in four Americans could name more than one of the 5 freedoms, but more than half could name at least two members of the cartoon family.

About 1 in 5 Americans thought the right to own a pet was one of the freedoms.

22% of Americans could name all 5 Simpson characters.

By comparison, just 1 in 1,000 people could name all five 1st Amendment freedoms.

In addition, more people could name the 3 American Idol TV show judges than 3 of the 5 freedoms.

So, can you name the 5 Simpson family members?
The 3 American Idol Judges?
The 5 First Amendment freedoms?

Of course, I know all the Simpsons (Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, Maggie) and Idol Judges (Randy, Paula Simon).

I also know the Simpsons' dog's name (Satan's Little Helper) and their address (523 Evergreen Terrace) and the name of the original co-host on American Idol, along with Ryan Seacrest, who was fired after the first season (Brian Dunkleman).

I am an attorney with a Politcal Science degree. My father is a former South Carolina State Senator. I could only name 4 of the freedoms (religion, speech, press, and assembly).

The 5th freedom is petition for redress of grievances.

My 70's Memories - Jackson 5 Cartoon

Before he was the biggest litigation target in the world, Before Neverland Ranch, Before he invented the moonwalk, Before "Jesus Juice", Before The Victory Tour, Before "She's Out of My Life" and the rumor that he cried while singing it, Before he married Elvis's daughter, Before he was the Scarecrow in The Wiz, Before Jermaine and Rebbi had hits, Before the "Say, Say, Say" video where he was romantically involved with his sister Latoya, Before his hair caught fire filming a Pepsi commercial, Before little kids slept in his bedroom, Before he dangled his baby over a balconey,

Before all the things highlighted above, Michael Jackson was a young black boy and the lead singer in a band with his brothers, called The Jackson 5.

You may remember Michael for buying the Elephant Man's Remains, but I remember Michael as a Saturday Morning Cartoon Character, a young bell bottom wearing black boy with an afro who could sing and dance.

The Band I Hate is ...

I want you, the readers of Turnipblog, to answer the question.

Last week I asked for the "Worst Band Ever". The Worst Band Ever must be a band that someone actually likes. The band must be successful, have sold many cd's, maybe even have a Greatest Hits. Bruce Hornsby, for instance, would not even get consideration.

I voted for Bob Seger and to the extent they can be considered a seperate band, The Silver Bullet Band.

I only got one response, Jackson Brown.

I am going to make this easy and fun (potential new Turnipblog slogan):

What band do you hate? There is no wrong answer. Is there one band that other people like that you can't stand?

TURNIPBLOG SURVEY - What Band do you hate?*

***please leave a comment, responding to the TURNIPBLOG SURVEY***

JJ Defeats Satan

JJ Redick is a true hero. Redick just set the ACC all time leading scorer record. JJ doesn't get into any trouble, and is a good looking kid with the NCAA 3 pointers made and career free throw shooting percentage records.

Why is JJ hated? It is a little known fact that JJ had a chance to not be hated. Apparently, early in his career, Satan himself offered JJ the love and admiration of all BB fans, in exchange for JJ's soul.

JJ tells the story through his poetry, of how he resisted temptation, shocked Beelzebub, and actually defeated the Dark Lord.

"As I decide to fulfill my life's strategy
The devil insists on trying to battle me
I meet him in an empty field on the high plains
He throws temptations my way to inflict internal pain
Life and death matters, this ain't no game
It's mind over matter, the power of my brain
He thinks I'll give in if my muscles start to strain
He believes I'll submit to the evil of society's frame
And benefit from notoriety's gain
He says I don't have to properly train
and that he'll give me all the fame
and everyone will know my name
But I think he's insane
'Cause I know the truth- to gain is to give
To have pain is to live
So I call on my heavenly Father's name
And slowly watch the thunder and rain subside
I'm finally able to push the temptations aside
I went blow for blow, I went face to face
Now the devil knows, I'm able to escape
Not by a back door or an alternate route
I saw the middle high ground and I ran right through"

Kid Tip - Training Diapers

Potty training is tough. When do you switch from diapers to big kid underwear?

Diapers eliminate "accidents", but your child will not become potty trained as long as they are wearing diapers. Ever hear of adult diapers like Depends? 80% of Depends users were toddlers who just never got out of diapers.

Big kid underwear teaches potty training because the child learns that they get wet (or worse) if they don't go use the potty when they feel the urge. The draw-back of big kid underwear is that that while wearing big kid underwear and training, there are going to be messy accidents.

Now, there is a new product to ease the transition - Training Diapers provide the best of both worlds. Old fashioned diapers kept floors, and baby, dry and clean. Not anymore.

Now, with Training Diapers, you can keep your linens and furniture safe, while allowing your child to urinate (or worse) on his/her self.

Good Music - The Donnas

The Donnas are an all girl band from California and have been playing together since they were teenagers. The Donnas are not like many other girl bands, they play all their own instruments and they Rock. The Donnas sound like Kiss with a girl singer.

Good Donnas albums are Spend The Night and Gold Medal.

Here is a link to The Donnas Website(link), which plays samples of Donnas songs.

Best Cartoons: Rabbit of Seville

I am starting a new Turnipblog feature on the greatest animated cartoons of all time.

The 1950 classic
Rabbit of Seville
features Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd.

This cartoon has a great mixture of music and humor with Bugs in drag, Bugs massaging Elmur's scalp with his feet and making a salad on his head in perfect time with the music, the back and forth chase with bigger and bigger weapons, and a wedding.

I will perform the begining of the cartoon.

Kid Tip - RLS

Does your kid Fidgit? When your kids climb into your bed, do they constantly move their legs around under the covers, rubbing their toes on your back or kicking you?

Well our kids were big fidgiters, but now, because of an advertisement that we saw on television, instead of threatening to put them back in their own bed if they can't be still, we understand that they can't help it.

How should you expect your children, or adults for that matter, to keep their legs still without the aid of strong medications, when we know about Restless Leg Syndrome(link)?

If your kid fidgits, call your doctor.

Saturn and the Cassini Spacecraft

The planet Saturn is called "The Jewel of the Solar System"

Saturn has the most extensive and complex ring system in our solar system, extending hundreds of thousands of miles from the planet. Made up of billions of particles of ice and rock - ranging in size from grains of sugar to houses - the rings orbit Saturn at varying speeds.

There are hundreds of individual rings, believed to be made of pieces of shattered moons, comets and asteroids. Each of the billions of rings particles orbits the planet on its own path.

Saturn is a gas giant, like Jupiter, Uranus and Neptune. Saturn is made mostly of hydrogen and helium.

Four NASA spacecraft have been sent to explore Saturn. Pioneer 11 was first to fly past Saturn in 1979. Voyager 1 flew past a year later, followed by its twin, Voyager 2, in 1981.

Right now, the Cassini space craft is in orbit around Saturn. The Cassini spacecraft is the first to explore the Saturn system of rings and moons from orbit. Cassini entered orbit on Jun. 30, 2004 and immediately began sending back intriguing images and data. Currently, Cassini scientists are tracking the strongest lighting storm ever detected at Saturn. The storm is larger than the continental United States, with lightning 1,000 times stronger than Earth's lightning.

Saturn has 34 known moons. Saturn's moon Titan is bigger than the planets Mercury and Pluto and is one of the few moons in our solar system with its own atmosphere. Scientists are attracted to Titan because its atmosphere is similar to that on early Earth, before life began. Cassini released the European Space Agency's Huygens Probe in January 2005. The Huygens Probe dove into Titan's thick atmosphere to look at Titan's surface.

The Huygens Probe didn't find any water, but look at all the cool pictures (above) that Cassini has been taking.

Here is a link to NASA's Cassini web site(link)

Showdown at the Bunkbeds

American Idol - Leaphart Leprechaun?

What do you think of the 24 American Idol finalists?

First off, Ace is totally hot. Ayla is also "pretty" (as much as I can say, she's only 17).

My favorites to win are Katharine, Paris and Chris.

Although she isn't one of my favorites, I have to give a big shout out to Kinnik Sky, representing the 29210.

That's right, Sky (age 28, pictured above) was know as Shon-Tai Kinnik Hingleton when she attended Leaphart Elementary School, in Columbia, SC. I wish you luck Kinnick, for I too am a Leaphart Leprechaun (1979).

Non-Sports

Did you know that the Winter Olympics are going on right now in Italy? Probably not, because the winter olympics are unwatchable and are not real sports. Likewise, NASCAR is not a sport.

People watch real sports to see the participants do well and excel. For instance; football is exciting when 2 good teams score a lot of touchdowns, basketball is exciting when there are dunks and 3 pointers, baseball when there are home runs.

The Winter Olympics and NASCAR are not sports because people watch them to see the participants perform poorly and fail. Think about it, when was the last time you heard someone say:

"Bo, hand me another Coors Light, and did you see that NASCAR race? The cars went around the track really fast."; or

"Did you see the luge last night? Those Norwegians were really lying on top of each other."

Never - People watch the Winter Olympics and NASCAR to see the participants perform poorly, fail, crash, wreck, and if you are really lucky, sustain life threatening injuries.

If the "highlights" only show people or vehicles flipping over, out of control, as opposed to showing winning, or a good play - Not a sport.

Winter Olympics and NASCAR are no more sports than America's Funniest Home Videos.

Old West Tales - Seed Snaps

For an introduction to Old West Tales, click here: Old West Tales - Introduction

If you don't know who Rich King is, you need to read these posts: Enter TPYG; TPYG Questions Answered; ku-ba-say

Rich had trouble waking up in the morning.

Rich had alarm clocks all over the room and they would go off in succession every morning. Most of the alarms beeped, others buzzed or clanged.

When an alarm would go off, Rich would turn it off (or hit snooze and then turn it off 9 minutes later) and then get back into bed.

Then the next alarm would go off a few minutes later, and he would do the same thing.

The sequence of the alarms was always changing, so Rich must have reset the alarms every night.

The worst alarm of all was The Buzzer. The Buzzer would start humming ever so quietly about a minute or two before it actually went off. The humming would get louder and louder and finally cresindo into a full blown, very loud, buzz when the alarm actually went off.

One morning we were all three asleep in the room, which was rare because Vic often stayed at his girlfriend's room. Rich's alarms started going off as usual. I can sleep through alarms, but I do wake up for a moment when they first go off.

Rich went through his morning ritual - snoozing and turning off alarms, it went on for quite some time.

After a while, it started getting ridiculous, but I would never let Rich make me lose my cool. It was amusing.

I tried, but I could not go back to sleep because I was counting how many alarms were going to go off before Rich finally got up and stayed up...

Eventually, The Buzzer started humming. As the humming grew louder and louder, I got madder and madder, to the point that when The Buzzer finally started buzzing, I lept out of my bed and stood above Rich.

Rich was lying there like a japanese vampire, grinning, with his hands folded over the top of the comforter, which was pulled up to his chin.

I started pulling on the comforter. By this time, Vic was watching and laughing from the top bunk above Rich.

Rich clenched both the comforter, and his eyes closed, as hard as he could.

Finally, I yanked the comforter, and Rich along with it, completely out of the bed, and onto cold hard dorm-room foor.

Looking back, I think Rich saw it as some odd sort of victory.

Turnipblog Survey - Worst Band Ever

What makes a band "Worst Band Ever"? The actual worst band ever probably never got a recording contract. The Worst Band Ever must be a band that someone actually likes. The band must be successful, have sold many cd's, maybe even have a Greatest Hits. Bruce Hornsby, for instance, would not even get consideration.

You know my top 2 Worst Bands Ever: Bob Seger and to the extent they can be considered a seperate band, The Silver Bullet Band; based on the fact that Seger has so many songs that sound so different but that each suck in their own unique way. Seger sucks so bad that I started up a Bob Seger Game(link)

So, Turnipblog Survey - What is the worst band/and/or recording artist ever?

By the way, The Bob Seger Game is still open. Here is the list:

#1. Against the Wind with the classic line,
"We were young and we were running, against the wind."

The idea of running against the wing is ridiculous. Couldn't he think of something a little more difficult, like running through sand or running up a gradual incline.

#2.But oh they love to watch her strut
Oh they do respect her but
They love to watch her strut"

#3. Fire Lake

#4. Simile - is the comparison of two unlike things using "like" or "as".

The most idiotic simile of all time is credited to Bob Seger:

Like A Rock

#5. Night Moves - with the classic line "Trying to make some front page drive-in news."

#6. Horizontal Bop. Nuff said

#7. K-k-k-k-k-k katmandu

#8. Feel like a number

#9. The introspective Turn the Page
Seger thinks touring and being a musician sux, I think his music sux.

#10. A Seger song that proves its own premise that today's(1984) music sux - Old Time Rock n' Roll.

So I want you to leave a comment and give me Worst Band Ever, or Another Seger radio station changer.

Happy Valentines Day!

No More College Basketball Posts

In case you haven't noticed, I love College Basketball.

The 3 American achievements of which I am most proud are Bourbon, Jazz Music, and the NCAA Tournament.

I don't want Turnipblog to become devoted to college basketball and Duke hatred, so I am going to publish 1 super college basketball post and then cool it until the Conference Tournaments.

If any of you are a big sports fan or married to one, you know how excited we get when watching a game and how mad we get when we are watching a game and our team is losing. I have two such stories.

JJ Shocks the World

I went to UNC and hate duke, both well documented on Turnipblog.

Last week I had to watch Duke beat UNC and I was pissed. JJ Redick kept hitting lucky 3's and I was furious. Then, after a big 3, JJ ran down the court making some sign with his hand, sticking out 3 fingers. You can ask my wife, I yelled at her "Did you see that? What is that?"

I wanted to kill Redick and the next day I went on-line to see if anyone else saw the same thing. Sure enough, others saw it, and the sign Reddik was making is called The Shocker(link)


Adding Insult To Injury

I live in Columbia, South Carolina and am also a huge Gamecock Basketball fan. My wife and I started going to games together with student tickets when we were in Law School. She is probably a bigger fan than I am (I don't select a favorite/cutest player every year). Now we have 4 season tickets and our kids are into Gamecock Basketball.

Last weekend my wife and I were watching the Gamecocks play the Arkansas Razorbacks on TV. The Gamecocks were losing so we were both mad. Some guy that played for Arkansas was making every shot. The old Career-High Geeze. Just when I thought I couldn't get madder, the announcer said:

"So-and-so is literally going Hog Wild"

You may know how I feel about misuse of the word literally(link). I yelled at Cyndy "Did you hear that? What was that?"

I am not going to blog about College Basketball for a while, so here is a

Bonus - True Gamecock Basketball Audio Post

This season, through my wife's lawfirm, we secured invitations to a Colonial Center Boxholder Appreciation Dinner, there was an open basketball practice, followed by an autograph session and then a buffet dinner where players sat at every table.

I went straight to the event after work and made a few calls back and forth to Cyndy concerning how we were going to get autographs. Should she bring a marker? Should she bring our media guide? After much discussion, I noticed that there were posters and sharpies on a table down on the court. Problem solved.

Cyndy and the kids arrived as the practice was ending. Coach Odom announced that the men's and women's teams, Cocky, and the cheerleaders, would be available for autographs.

I rushed onto the court. The players were sitting on a table, ready to sign autographs. A bunch of little kids formed a line at the first player, Brice Sheldon, for autographs. Being much smarter than these kids, I grabbed a poster and a sharpie, and went to the middle of the table and handed the poster to #11, Rocky Trice (pictured at right). Rocky took the poster and was about to sign it, but then he stopped and said:

Cheaney Shoots Lawyer, Blames Lawyers

WASHINGTON Feb 12, 2006 (AP)— Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and injured an attorney during a weekend quail hunting trip in Texas.

Harry Whittington, a 78 year old Attorney, was "alert and doing fine" after Cheney sprayed Whittington in the face and chest with shotgun pellets on Saturday at the Armstrong Ranch in south Texas. Cheney turned to shoot a bird and accidentally hit Whittington. Whittington was taken to Corpus Christi Memorial Hospital by ambulance.

In a public statement, Cheney blamed the accidental shooting on "Junk Lawsuits".

New Favorite Beer - Baltika

You may have noticed that from time to time I shamelessly promote certain goods or services. Although I have my fingers crossed, I am not currently being paid to pimp any of these goods or services. I endorse these products because I honestly think that it will make me cooler when you try and love them.

In this post(link), I told you about Baltika, a Russian beer that the Indian dude who owns the Discount Beverage Mart (misnomer) near my house told me to try. He intinially only had 3 different Baltika beers, all great. Then I tried a couple more Baltika beers at a Ukraine themed New Years Day party at the home of Waring and Shelly Howe in Charleston, all great. Well I have been bugging DBM guy to get more Baltika and he recently re-stocked with 7 different Baltika beers. Baltika is now my favorite beer. If you like beer, you gotta try this stuff. All the lagers are over 5% and the porter is 7%.

Baltika has earned a link on Turnipblog. Baltika Website(link)

Kid Tip - Late Development

Not all kids grow and develop at the same speed. Are your kids lagging behind other kids their age when it comes to talking or reading? If so, they will probably never catch up. You should have read to them more or parented with someone smarter.

But, when it comes to physical milestones like crawling or walking, be patient. Your kids will probably catch up. Believe it or not, even my super-kids were behind others their age when it came to one physical milestone...

Jumping. That's right. My kids were late jumpers. Their friends or other kids at day care were hopping around all over the place, but my kids just couldn't do it. They would try really hard to jump, but only one leg would come off the ground and instead of a jump it looked like a high knee lift. (pictured at right)

But, they kept on trying and now they can jump with the best of them

Pep Rally - Chapter VI

The Pep Rally is a story that I wrote in High School. If you haven't read the first 5 chapters, here are the links:

Chapters I, II, and III.

Chapter IV

Chapter V

Chapter VI - Anatomy of a Rally.

On Pep-Rally Fridays each of the seven class periods was shortened by seven and a half minutes. Pep Rallies were held at the end of the day in the school auditorium.

Attendance was required. Seventh period class marched over together but seating was organized by year. Seniors sat together in the middle section of bleachers, flanked by Sophomores and Juniors.

Senior class president, Chaz, would start the proceedings with a few cheers and announcements. These were not generally well received however. Chaz was well known but not well respected or liked. Chaz was popular in a Toilet Paper-the-Yard-Every-Weekend sort of way but not in a good way.

While Chaz talked the respective year classes would verbally challenge each other and compete. Call it pep or class pride, it usually went like this:

"SENIORS!", "SENIORS!", "SENIORS!".....

"JUNIORS!", "JUNIORS!", "JUNIORS!"....

After Chaz would come the football team or selected members thereof. They would act rowdy and a few of them would speak and disparage this week's football opponent. The other students would usually join in but it was probably due more to a desire to openly scream obscenities than to any actual disdain for the other team or
school.

Finally, came the skits or humorous portion of the pep rally. These weren't actual "skits" but usually involved football players and cheerleaders pitted against each other in some sort of relay race competition. Be it a sack or three-legged race or carry-an-egg-on-a-spoon-in-your-mouth type race.

You get the idea.

Even Johnny liked pep rallies. Mainly because he was not singled out or noticed. At pep rallies he was a student, not "Shit Boy" or "Produce Pants". For forty five blissful minutes he would bask in the anonymity of the junior section. So it had been at this particular pep rally...until skit time.

JJ Redick OO-Ver RAA-ted!

As much as I hate watching Duke beat Carolina in basketball, last night's game did give me a chance to watch this JJ Redickk kid that everyone is talking about.

You know what?

O-VER RAA-TED!

Reddik can hit free throws and he doesn't make stupid mistakes because he has played 4 years under a great, albeit wicked and rat-like, coach.

But, other than that, Riddik is just an OK player. Redikk can't play any defense. Forget it in the NBA. Reedick doesn't rebound, he just scores a lot of points.

Redikk scores alot of points and here is why:

Reddick shoots every time he touches the ball and Redik plays on a team jam packed with All-American High School players, who are coached by Coach K, to run plays to get Redic open 3's. If Reddic can't get an open 3 that way, Redik dribbles into the lane, throws his hands up into the air when someone gets near him, and the refs send him to the free throw line because he plays for Duke and Coach K spends every time-out or commercial break screaming and spitting at the refs.

Old West Tales - Why Humans Rule

For an introduction to Old West Tales, click here: Old West Tales - Introduction

Every semester at UNC I had to meet with my student advisor, a professor, to pre-register for classes for the next semester. These were the only times I ever met with my student advisor.

A few weeks after pre-registration I would get a schedule of my classes in the mail. Prior to the invention of telephone and computer registration, when you didn't get the classes that you wanted through pre-registration, you had to go to "drop/add". UNC had drop/add in the old Gymnasium.

While I lived in Old West, I attended the last drop/add before telephone registration took over. The line of students waiting just to get in to drop/add that day was out of the gym, out of the building, and wrapped around the building.

Inside the gym it was Chaos. Students everywhere. Only a fraction of them actively participating in drop/add. There were tables all around the room and as I remember, you would go to the table of a particular department and try to add a class that you wanted. Once you added a class, you would drop the old class and then someone else might add the class that you dropped.

As my friend Tim once explained, "Girls are like classes, you have got to add before you drop." Good advice, except for the times when you are the one who gets dropped.

It was very overwhelming and by the time I stumbled out of drop/add I was enrolled in an upper level sociology class that sounded interesting -

Primate Social Behavior

I learned and remember more from this class than any other class that I took in all of my college career, law school included. Sure, I memorized much more for various classes over the years, and wrote many papers where I did research, but that stuff was short term memory and has long been pushed out by Wiggles lyrics and Dr. Suess books. I learned alot of useless trivia in Primate Social Behavior, and I learned alot about myself.

This is off the top of my head:

Humans are primates. There are many other primates; apes, monkeys, lemurs, loris, marmosetts, just to name a few.

Many primates have highly evolved social groupings. Gorillas are led by the silverback male and sleep in nests.

Coco the gorilla knows sign language. Coco once sat on a sink fixture which tore from the wall. Coco then used sign language to lie and tell her keepers that a 100 lbs. woman broke the sink.

Baboons are territorial and one group may raid the other group's territory and practice infantacide.

Looking another primate in the eyes and showing your teeth is a sign of aggression (try this at the Zoo).

Study Group

In many classes I would join a Study Group. Studying in a group doesn't really work, but a study group is made of attractive sorority girls with boyfriends. I never hit on my study group, but I got inside many girl dorms and even sorority houses and met a lot of roomates through study groups. I made friends with a cute girl in Primate Social Behavior who was dating a guy on the tennis team. I was supposed to ride with her to the Duke Primate Center for a field trip, but I overslept and missed out.

Why do humans rule the earth?

Humans are intelligent mammals with convoluted brain tissue. But, intelligence alone doesn't explain why Humans rule the earth. Dolphins are smart mammals.

What humans have that dolphins do not is opposable thumbs with which we can manipulate the environment.

But wait, many primates are intelligent mammals with opposable thumbs. Why do humans rule the earth as opposed to Gorillas or Chimps?

Chimpanzees are the closest relative to the human. Chimps can smile, kiss, have sex face-to-face, act in movies and television, have pets, and make tools.

Apart from some body hair, only 1 thing seperates us from the other primates ...

... the thing that allows us to dominate the earth, build the pyramids, and fly to the moon, while other primates live in zoos and throw feces at each other ...

... a social prohibition against public masterbation!

That's right, other primates spend a large majority of their waking hours touching themselves. Time that could otherwise be spent evolving. Don't believe me, go to the zoo. They just have no problem with it. If little baby monkey-boy cries, momma touches his tee-tee. Want to show that other monkey that you are dominant, go rub your manhood on him.

I propose to you that if it suddenly became acceptable to touch one's-self in public, we would all get hairier and we would stand around on our knuckles picking fleas off of each other.

This is not actually moving.

You Do Have Time to Read Turniblog?

Einstein's theory of general relativity tells us that time is relative. It's pretty easy to understand, I'll explain it to you.


If you were sitting in my FROG(Finished Room Over the Garage) right now, you could watch me hunt and peck on my keyboard as I blog. My fingers move pretty slow. Same thing if you watched me blog at the office.


Now, imagine that you are standing outside next to a train track, and a train comes down the track very fast and I am sitting at a desk on a flatbed train car, blogging. As I go by on the train, my fingers appear to you to be moving very fast. But, if you are standing on the flatbed train car with me, my fingers appear to be blogging at a third grade level. However, we know that I blog at a constant rate, no matter what. Well, if my actual blogging speed is always the same, but I appear to be blogging faster at times, depending on the observer's location, then time must be relative.

Think about it, I am spinning around blogging very fast to an observer in space as the earth rotates. But, if you are on the earth, next to me, I appear to be blogging at normal speed.

Einstiens theories have turned out to all be true. Everything in the Universe follows Einstien's predictions, from entire galaxies, right down to individual atoms.

But, something very stange and wonderful happens when one reads Turnipblog. Time actually slows down for Turnipblog readers. You probably hardly notice the effects because you read Turnipblog for such short periods.

But, imagine if you gathered food and water and got on a laptop and read Turnipblog in the bathroom. If you read Turnipblog for a week straight, when you came out of your bathroom you would smell terrible and need to shave, but to your co-workers or family who were waiting outside the bathroom, only a few moments would have passed.

So, you actually do have time to read Turnipbog.

Greatest Record of All

UNC basketball has a long and storied history, with 4 National Championships and many ACC Championships, 20 win seasons, and trips to the Final Four. UNC has placed many players in the NBA, including, arguably, the greatest player ever, Michael Jordan.

With such an impressive history and so many records, can you guess which one is my favorite?

When was the last time Clemson won a basketball game in Chapel Hill?

Try NEVER! That's right, UNC beat Clemson 76-61 today, allowing the Tar Heels to match an NCAA record with their 52nd straight home win in the series.

The Tar Heels have never lost to the Tigers in Chapel Hill. The streak ties Princeton's 52-game run against Brown from 1929-2002 as the longest home win streak against a single opponent.

If I may be so bold, I think Princeton's record will fall next year

Powerful Big Twist

Survivor Panama (Exile Island) started last night.

Apparently there is going to be a "big twist" this season. Isn't there a big twist every season? I am getting sick of hearing "This season there will be a Big Twist." Everyone knows that Survivor is staged and the producers manipulate everything. When they start filming the show they have no idea what the "Big Twist" is or when it will happen. They make that show up as they go along. A "Big Twist" would be if they had a pretty girl with zero percent bodyfat on Survivor who didn't have fake boobs.


Hearing about Survivor's Big Twist is almost as annoying as hearing, "This week, the most powerful West Wing of the season."

I don't watch the West Wing or any other show that claims to be "powerful". I want mindless entertainment on television, not "power".

What does it actually mean for a show to be powerful? As America seeks to end its dependancy on foreign oil, shouldn't we look to alternative sources of energy such as this week's "powerful" episode of E.R.?

Toddler Dictionary - In the Zone

In the Zone - When you have been driving in the car for a few miles and then realize ...

... that there are no kids in the car and you have been listening to a children's CD.

or, In the Zone - When you are having a discussion about how to get dried candle wax off of your building's new carpet and a co-worker walks up and says

"I just read how to do it on the internet, you take a hot iron and a brown paper bag and put the bag on the wax and the iron on top of the paper bag and it heats the wax and the paper bag absorbs the wax."

and your first thought (This really happened to me, yesterday) is ...


... "I Don't know, that sounds an awful lot like the Cat In The Hat and the pink stain."

"To get wax off a carpet is easy" said The Cat,

A hot iron and brown paper bag will do that.

So with the bag on the ground the Cat ironed with his paws,

The wax came off of the carpet, but wound up on the Walls.

Pussycat Dolls

Nothing makes me madder as a parent than when young pop-star girls dress like Ho's and record slutty music that isn't good. These are terrible role models. Kids should act like kids.

That is why The Pussycat Dolls are so refreshing. As long as women are going to dress like Ho's and sing slutty music that isn't good, they should at least be adult burlesque dancers. Here is a link to their website(link)