Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Reality TV Bullets

Brought to You by me and Tivo.

So You Think You Can Dance - Terribly rigged by producers so that crowd favorite Allan (pictured at right) could perform "Hip Hop" two weeks in a row while better, less fat, dancers had to perform "quickstep". Then, on top of that, the judges picked the bottom three couples based purely on technique.

Big Brother - April may have finally back-door'd James. Watch out for Yvette, she has "the friendship", her partner Bo, and James on her side. The producers totally rigged it so that Janelle would get the "loved one" call from Michael. I still love her.

Rock Star INXS - Will it be JD, Mig, or Marty. I'm thinking Mig; his song choice of "Live and Let Die" was the best this week.

Real World - Am I just getting too old, or does this season's Real World really suck this bad? I still don't care about Danny and Mel.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Satanic Acronym Band Names

While blogging about the band Kiss, I remembered the rumor that Kiss is actually an acronym for "Knights In Satan's Service"

Then I remembered a few more Satanic Acronym Band Names:
AC/CD = Assasinate Christ/ Devil's Command
RUSH = Raised Under Satan's Hand

Has anyone ever heard of any other examples? If not, make some up for me.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Old West Tales - Introduction

You are looking at "The Old Well", a UNC Chapel Hill landmark. UNC Chapel Hill was the first state university, and the Old Well isn't the only thing in Chapel Hill that is old. Beside The Old Well is the first Dormitory at a state university, Old East Dorm. The building seen behind the Old Well in this photograph is Old West Dorm. Old West isn't as old as Old East, but I did live there for almost an entire school year. The result, Old West Tales.

My freshman year I lived in Teague Dorm. I loved Teague so much that I signed up to live in a triple my sophomore year to increase my chances of getting back into Teague in the student housing lottery. It worked, and I even got my Teague room assignment for Sophomore year. Then, over the summer, I got the news that everyone (actually all but a handfull) had been kicked out of Teague and the all-male dorm was becoming co-ed. As fate would have it, the triple was re-assigned to Old West Dorm. At the center of Old West lay a stairwell leading up to two floors of 4 room suites. I lived in one of the top suites of the center stairwell, with windows facing some classrooms. My suite's bathroom window faced The Old Well, and is visible at the top center on the photo.

My roomates when I moved into Old West were Brian and Vic. Brian had landed a prized reporting position at the Daily Tar Heel, and Vic played bass in several rock bands. Little did I know when that year started that Brian would be replaced by another roomate and we would eventually get kicked out Old West, but those are other stories....

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Gene Simmons, you are a "Liar", who shouldn't "Hold Your Head Up" in public. I take "Pleasure" in exposing a Rock School "Tragedy."

Last night we watched Gene Simmon's Rock School on VH1. It is a lame attempt to copy the Jack Black movie School of Rock. At one point, Simmons was standing in the school chapel, holding a guitar. Simmons told the kids "Here is a song that my band wrote." and then proceeded to play "God Gave Rock and Roll to You."

What a punk! Lying to a bunch of kids. Does he think that I am an idiot? "God Gave Rock and Roll to You" was written by guitarist Russ Ballard and first recorded, in 1973, by Rod Argent's band Argent (see Zombie's post, below).

Also, Jack Black is more of a legitimate musician than Gene Simmons; and Jack Black's band, Tenacious D blows Kiss away.

Zombies - Undead and Underrated

The Zombies, a 60's British band, is one of the most underrated bands ever. I love Colin Blunstone's haunting voice & Rod Argent's songwriting and piano/keyboard playing. The Zombies' 1968 album, Odessey And Oracle (pictured at left) is a masterpiece, and features their biggest hit "Time of The Season".

Saturday, August 27, 2005

What is this dot?

Can anyone tell me what the pale blue dot in this photo is?

Friday, August 26, 2005

Spooky Black Magic


This album, not officially named, came out in 1971 and was Led Zeppelin's 4rth album. Led Zeppelin 4 is known for the songs "Stairway to Heaven", "Black Dog", and "Rock and Roll", although "Going to California", "Battle of Evermore", "Misty Mountain Hop" and "When the Levee Breaks" are also great.

Anyway, Open Led Zeppelin 4, if you dare, and find a drawing of the hermit on the mountain. Hold it up to a mirror, and the evil demon dog, or "Black Dog" is revealed.

Turnipblog Audio Welcome

this is an audio post - click to play

Anti-Duke Manifesto

Here is a link to the most comprehensive discussion of Duke ever:
  • Anti-Duke Manifesto
  • Ultraman - "Forget karate, Use The Ray!"

    Ultraman was easily my favorite show. Ultraman, teamed up with the Bugs Bunny/Roadrunner show, formed the greatest 1-2 punch in Saturday Morning history.

    Background - Ultraman, hailing from Nebula M78, came to Earth pursuing Bemular, who had escaped while being taken to the Monster Graveyard. While flying over Japan, he accidentally collided with a plane, causing it to crash. Remorseful, and knowing he will rapidly run out of life giving energy within the planet's atmosphere, Ultraman merged with the dying pilot Shin Hayata. This saved the life of the human, but also allowed his alien counterpart to survive on Earth and secretly live among the humans unnoticed except when he was needed. Shin was a member of the Science Patrol, a group armed with high-tech giant robots who routinely took on alien invaders and giant monsters which threatened Japan.

    Synopsis of every Ultraman episode - Hayata and the rest of the Science Patrol are called upon to fight a giant monster (man in suit stomping on model landscape). Hyata uses the Beta Capsule (a bic pen) to turn into Ultraman, who then fights the monster, hand-to-hand for about 2 1/2 minutes. The light on Ultraman's chest starts blinking, signalling that Ultraman is running out of energy. At the last moment, Ultraman crosses his arms in front of him (in a plus sign) and an energy ray shoots out and kills the monster.

    Pep Rally - Chapter II

    Chapter I - Sweet Dreams

    Johnny knew that his mother would be angry. She always told him, "Now you get your sorry ass home before dark.", and Johnny had always done what his mother told him, until tonight. Johnny spent his last token, left the arcade, and started walking. It was dark, and Johnny wasn't home. Johnny was scared, and although he didn't
    know it yet, he was lost.

    Johnny rounded the corner at a slow trot and started down the
    alley. It was dark. So dark that Johnny didn't see the hulking
    figure lurking behind the dumpster; until it was too late. In a
    flash Johnny was knocked to the ground, straddled by the figure.
    Johnny wanted to give the figure some money, but he knew that it
    had all been spent on Q-bert. It didn't matter anyway, Johnny was
    too scared to speak, or move. As the figure leaned over Johnny, a
    large object slid off of the figure's back and landed with a thud
    on the ground near Johnny's head. The object was a tremendous
    burlap sack and as the figure opened the sack Johnny first
    experienced the stench. An odor so foul that Johnny never forgot
    it. How could he. That odor, that night, would haunt him for the
    rest of his life.

    Johnny looked up as the figure lifted a soggy yellow mass from
    the sack. A cabbage. A very old, very rotten, very large,
    cabbage. The figure forced open Johnny's mouth and crammed the
    fetid cabbage in.

    "Eat!"

    Johnny did.

    Then another cabbage. "Eat!"

    And another, "Eat!"

    At some point, during the next hour and a half, Johnny started
    crying ... stopped resisting ... surrendered his will to the figure
    ... and started counting. He counted them one by one, cabbage
    after cabbage ... eighty six, eighty seven, eighty eight...

    Johnny woke suddenly from his nightmare the same way that he
    had for the last six years, with his mother slapping his face and
    telling him that it was alright.

    "Wake up sorry ass, you were having another nightmare. Its
    alright."

    But it wasn't alright.

    It wasn't just a nightmare.

    Chapter II - A short walk.

    "What color will it be today Johnny?", asked Johnny's mother.

    "How about blue.", Johnny replied.

    "Blue it is.", Johnny's mother said as she opened the box and
    handed Johnny a brand new, blue, Renuzit air freshener. Johnny
    tore the plastic covering off of the Renuzit, pulled down his
    drawers, removed the red Renuzit from the day before while holding
    his breath, and quickly stuffed the exposed wick of today's blue
    Renuzit into his anus.

    "All plugged up!" Johnny exclaimed as he grabbed a pop-tart
    on the way out the front door to catch the school bus. Johnny
    hated leaving the house each morning and boarding the school bus
    which stopped right in front of his door. It was only a short walk
    of a few steps from his front porch to the bus stop, but to Johnny
    it seemed like an eternity. On this particular Friday the short
    walk was long enough for the following insults and jeers to be
    hurled at Johnny before he could board the bus and take his usual
    seat right behind the driver:

    "Its poot boy!",

    "He smells like my baby sister's puke!", and

    "That's Johnny, the kid who constantly rips the disgusting
    acidic cabbage farts!"

    Johnny didn't pay much attention to the taunts of the other
    children riding the bus on the way to school. If today was going
    to be like any other school day, things would only get worse. At
    the time, Johnny had no idea exactly how much worse things would
    get.

    Thursday, August 25, 2005

    One week till kick-off

    The 2005 College football season officially starts in one week.
    Go Gamecocks!

    Welcome Friends

    When I started JDT a few weeks ago my plan was to not tell any friends my blog address until I already had a faithful readership of strangers who had stumbled across my blog. When that didn't happen immediately, I changed my plan and decided to wait to announce JDT until one stranger stumbled across my blog and left a comment.

    Well, everyone can thank a guy/girl named Filch, who thinks that TY will win Rock Star INXS (no way Filch), because he/she left that historic comment.

    Wednesday, August 24, 2005

    Garden Update

    Cucumbers are done for the year. A little dissapointing this year. Although we ate alot of cucumbers, I only put away 2 jars of pickles (pictured at left).

    Kid Tip - Bouncy Seat

    The "Kid Tip" feature is where I offer parenting advice.

    Do you a have a baby? Are you about to have a baby? Do you want that baby to sleep, or cry all night for no apparant reason? If you prefer blissful slumber over sleepless nights of "It's your turn", and you do not have a vibrating "bouncy seat" (pictured above), GET ONE NOW! It is the best $20 to $30 that you can spend on any goods or services, period.

    Both of my kids were instantly soothed by the "bouncy seat". We have used it on the floor, on the couch, in the crib, and between us in our bed. I have driven to the 24-hour Wallmart in the middle of the night for "D" sized batteries. After two kids our bouncy seat got to the point where turning it on didn't always work unless you smacked the battery housing/vibrating unit just right.

    *** warning, like cat-nip or pot, in rare cases the "bouncy seat" may not work.

    Literally broke my neck


    If you are not aware of my feelings about the misuse of the word "literally", please see the post below entitled "misuse of literally".

    That being said, I literally broke my neck this weekend. Let me set the scene. Walterboro, South Carolina. 100 degrees outside. We leave Uncle Bill and Aunt Joanne's dock in 2 pontoon boats. After 45 minutes of navigation through scenic blackwater creeks and river, we arrive at ther "sandbar" where there are dozens of boats full of rednecks anchored. We pull up beside a group of good-ole-boys who are standing in water up to their nipples. I am very hot, so I stand up on the side railing and dive, head first, into the water, which was apparently only about 2 feet deep. My head strikes the sandy bottom before my ass even gets wet ....

    The next day I spent 12 hours at the doctor's office and the emergency room. Went to my general Dr. first at 10:00 am. X-rays were negative. Walked over to hospital for CT scan. Went back to Dr's office and waited for results. Whoever read the CT scan could not rule out non-displaced fracture, so Dr. decided that I needed to see a neurosugeon. I was then wheeled back over the the hospital, in a wheelchair, to the ER with an envelope to give to the triage nurse. 2 hours later I was put in a room. 4 1/2 hours after that I was seen by a neurosurgeon who told me that I had fractured C-5 .....

    Bottom line, other than me being an idiot, is that I have to wear a big neck brace for at least 2 weeks and I have been, and will remain, doped up on heavy pain killers.

    Misuse of "Literally"

    The word "literally" has got to be the most misused word in the english language today. "Literally" means "actually" or "really". Idiots, as well as newspeople and educated people, misuse this word.

    Example = Last night on Rock Star INXS, Brooke Burke said: In rehearsal, Jordis was literally speechless trying to sing Aerosmith's "Dream on". The clip then showed Jordis butchering the high notes at the end of "Dream on". Jordis was not "literally speechless", because she was actually singing words, although they sounded like crap.

    It makes me literally scream at the television set when people misuse "literally"

    Here is a blog dedicated to the misuse of "literally" literally.barelyfitz.com

    Tuesday, August 23, 2005

    Cosmology Haiku

    The further the star
    The faster it moves away
    That is Hubble's Law

    Sunday, August 21, 2005

    Janelle - natural beauty

    I love Janelle on Big Brother 6. She is fiesty and funny and a good competitor.

    Janelle is beautiful. She even looks good in this mug shot from her August 2000 drunk driving arrest in Duluth, Minnesota.

    Saturday, August 20, 2005

    Check Out Dinner

    My brother in law, Buddy, just pulled up to the dock after fishing all day. Here is a photo I took moments ago.
    Time for a cold beer, in a few hours I will be eating fresh mackerel for dinner.
    I'm thinking: cut into steaks, topped with onion and pepper cut into rings, and grilled in a basket. Or what about: cut into bite sized nuggets, battered and fried.

    Some Dolls are Scary


    My in-laws have a bunch of old toys that they keep around for our kids to play with, including these very large dolls. The other night, I actually got out of bed and moved the two biggest ones to another room. I had just watched the re-make of the texas chainsaw massacre, and the dolls were standing in the corner partially illuminated by a shaft of light coming through a cracked door.

    (Yes, the one top right is a demonic Mrs. Beasley from "Family Affair".)

    Don't Feed The Alligator!

    This alligator was behind our condo in Hilton Head. A sign told us not to feed him. He was always sitting at the same place, facing the condos, where the bank gradually sloped down to the water so that you could see him. He ate cheese-its and cut up hot dogs in one bite. He would chomp on bananas a few times, and then eat them also. He had a posse of turtles that followed him around and grabbed the scraps or bad thows. We could not get him to come completely out of the water, but a guy on a balconey said that they had lured him onto the bank by throwing ice.

    Thursday, August 18, 2005

    Rockstar INXS update

    This week Jessica was eliminated and Mig (pictured at left) gave my favorite performance of the entire series thus far, playing piano and singing Peter Frampton's "Baby I love Your Way".

    Wednesday, August 17, 2005

    New Ultimate Betrayal

    Last year, on Big Brother 5, Jase stated that his being voted out was the "Ultimate Betrayal". Whether or not those words were true when spoken is beside the point, because there can be no doubt that Jennifer nominating Kasar for eviction on last night's Big Brother 6 episode is the new "Ultimate Betrayal".

    I mean sure, what Judas did to Jesus was bad, but Jennifer promised to nominate 2 of her own team and then "back door" James.

    Tuesday, August 16, 2005

    I'm Outta Here!

    As you know, that is how I title posts whenever I think of the idea that will make me rich and/or famous.

    Three words - Courtroom Luxury Boxes.

    Let me give you the background. This week I went to Orangeburg, South Carolina to watch a trial at the Orangeburg County Courthouse. In the back corners of the courtroom were these two little sound-proof rooms with a door and a window looking out to the courtroom. Each room had a table and was wired up to the courtroom microphone.

    It was awsome. My friend who is a public defender showed me the room and assured me that it was OK for us lawyers to hang out in these rooms. I sat in the room, not missing any of the trial, yet I could take notes or work on something else at the table. I leisurely sipped on a mountain dew, but I could heave eaten a sub in one of those rooms. Every now and then we had to vacate the room, if another lawyer actually needed to use it, but for the most part we just sat in there and talked and laughed and commented to each other about the trial.

    Anyone who has ever watched a trial, in person, knows that the entire time you are dying to laugh out loud, or do a Homer Simpson "Doh!" whenever an attorney makes a terrible mistake or gets chewed out by the judge.

    Every courtroom in the United States should have private luxury boxes and I am claiming the idea.

    Sunday, August 14, 2005

    Truth about Duke

    I have a new favorite website that I am adding to the links section. It is called Truthabout Duke.com - Debunking Duke.

    Here is the link: >Truth about Duke

    Saturday, August 13, 2005

    OOmposter!

    MSNBC reports: "A Nevada man who long claimed to have played one of Willy Wonka's Ooompa Loompas in the original 1971 motion picture now admits he was lying.

    Ezzy Dame is a 57-year-old art enthusiast and high-fashion hairdresser in Reno. He confessed to the fib earlier this week in an interview with the Reno Gazette-Journal. Dame says the false claim was used to pad his resume and seemed harmless at the time but grew into a beast of a deception. He told the newspaper he never made a profit off the claim.

    He says he continued to tell the tale because there is something special when a child looks at a little person and is not scared. He says when he told children he played the part, they smiled and looked at him as a human being instead of a freak."

    Is this guy serious?

    "Don't be afraid little girl, just imagine that there are dozens of me wearing brown jump suits, with green curly hair, orange skin, and white bushy eyebrows. And imagine that we appear after something horrible happens to a child and then we dance and sing about that childs biggest character flaw as if they deserved their horrible fate."

    Friday, August 12, 2005

    No talent loser?

    I am blogging under several self imposed constraints that hinder my ability to deliver side splitting laughter.

    First, I have decided that my parents are off limits as a source of humor. It would be too easy.

    Second, I am afraid to tell the funniest stories involving my friends from high school and college because they have too much dirt on me.

    Third, I have to assume that anything I blog may be read by my children some day. Therefore, foul language, sex, and stories of my breaking the law are off limits.

    Holy _____, I have become Sinbad.

    Eggshell Gamer

    MSNBC reports "SEOUL, South Korea - A South Korean man who played computer games for 50 hours almost non-stop died of heart failure minutes after finishing his mammoth session in an Internet cafe, authorities said on Tuesday.

    Lee had planted himself in front of a computer monitor to play online games on Aug. 3. He only left the spot over the next three days to go to the toilet and take brief naps on a makeshift bed, they said.

    After he failed to return home, Lee's mother asked his former colleagues to find him. When they reached the cafe, Lee said he would finish the game and then go home, the paper reported. He died a few minutes later, it said."

    As someone who has played both Space Invaders and Asteroids on the Atari 2600 until my score was so high that it "flipped" back to zero, I can tell you that this guy just had a weak heart. You can not blame computer games for this death. This guy is what we lawyers call an eggshell computer gamer.

    Wednesday, August 10, 2005

    "Big Cocks Fan"


    What does a former head cheerleader at the University of South Carolina who designs cheerleading uniforms name his new line of USC apparel? Why "Big Cocks Fan" of course. If you are a Gamecock fan, check out the "Big Spur" hats and visors at: BigCocksFan.com

    Tuesday, August 09, 2005

    Monday, August 08, 2005

    Haiku - Weird Science



    Snuppy the dog clone
    Mouse with human ear on back
    Science freaks me out

    Sunday, August 07, 2005

    Mesereau Mesmerizing

    Just got back from the annual SCTLA meeting in Hilton Head. The guest speaker was Thomas Mesereau, Michael Jackson's lawyer. Mesereau (pictured at right)was great. He spoke for an hour and then answered questions for over an hour. So Michael looks like an alien and he bought the Elephant Man's remains, does that make him a pedophile? After hearing Mesereau, I am totally convinced that Michael is an innocent and misunderstood genius who was robbed of his childhood and is a huge litigation target.

    Wednesday, August 03, 2005

    Love - Forever Changes (GM)

    Tired of the radio? Sick of all your cd's? Introducing "Good Music" or (GM) for short.

    "Forever Changes" is a great 1967 album by Love (featuring Arthur Lee) that I had never heard until recently. If you like 60's music, and have never heard this album, get the 2001 deluxe re-issue with bonus tracks. You will not be disappointed.

    Tuesday, August 02, 2005

    Kid Tip - Billy Jonas

    Your kids will love Billy Jonas. Billy writes songs, sings, plays guitar and plays instruments made from recycled garbage. He calls himself an "industrial re-percussionist". Billy's CD "What Kind of Cat Are You?" is great kids music that adults will like also. And if you ever get a chance to see Billy live, do it.

    Too Much!

    I'm Mister Green Christmas. I'm Mister Sun. I'm Mister Heat Blister. I'm Mister Hundred and One. They call me Heat Miser. What ever I touch, starts to melt in my clutch. I'm too much!

    I made the temperature in Columbia, South Carolina exceed 100 degrees three days this week.

    Too much!

    Monday, August 01, 2005

    10th Planet

    Astronomers announced this weekend the discovery of the "10th planet" to orbit our Sun. Designated 2003 UB313, this is the largest object found in our Solar System since Neptune in 1846.

    2003 UB313 is about 3,000km across (larger than Pluto) and is three times as far away as Pluto, in an orbit at an angle to the orbits of the main planets (44-degrees).

    This "planet" will eventually get a cool name. I say "planet" because there is debate about whether Pluto is even a planet or a kuiper belt object.