First Day of 4K

Library Pass - I Am Still Waiting

The place, Irmo High School in Columbia, South Carolina.

What two words best describe my Junior(1985/86) and Senior (1986/87) years at Irmo High School?

Library Pass

A library pass had to be signed by a teacher and could get you out of study hall and into the library. I managed to score 3 Library Passes a day and spent a good portion of my Junior and Senior years in the Irmo High School Library.

Welcome to Library Pass, where I will tell true stories from the Irmo High School Library.

Have you ever had someone pull a joke on you or use a put-down or come-back on you that was soooo good that you couldn't wait for the perfect situation to arise so that you could use it on someone else?

It was Senior year.

Me and four or five of my friends were sitting in the library at a big table. The library was pretty crowded at the time.

Chris Thigpen leaned over to John or Steven Scoff and whispered something. Then Chris told Dave and Beattie the secret. Soon, everyone at the table, but me, was in on the secret.

Then, all of a sudden, everyone at our table, except me, jumped up at the same time.

Everyone in the library looked over at our table.

My "friends" all started moving away from me.

They all made faces as if they had just heard the most disgusting thing imaginable.

Thigpen said "Oh Turnipseed!" as he waved his hand back and forth under his nose and made a disgusting face.

All of my friends did the same, either pinching their nose, covering it with their hand, or waving their hand under their nose.

They sold it perfectly.

A few of them even acted suprised as if the smell was even worse than they had expected when they intitially lept up from the table in horror based on the (pretend) sound alone.

My protests that it was all a trick only made me seem all the more guilty.

It has been 20 years and I am still waiting to use that gag on someone else.

Excuse me sir, is that tent flammable?

RALEIGH - Hot wings? Check. Fried Twinkies? Check. Twelve-pack? Check.
Don't forget manners.

This fall, N.C. State University will send a crew of red-vested volunteers through Wolfpack football tailgate parties promoting courtesy and sportsmanship.

They won't be adjunct cops, officials are careful to explain, and they won't be tussling with out-of-control fans.

"They're not supposed to put anybody in a headlock and handcuffs," NCSU spokesman Keith Nichols said. "The goal is more to reinforce good behavior."

"I think the WITH Partners Program (which stands for Wolfpack in the House) is a great opportunity to shed light on all the positive students we have at N.C. State," said Zach Adams, rising senior class president.

The 40 volunteers will be assigned to specific zones at Carter-Finley Stadium or the Fairgrounds, taking pictures of good tailgaters and handing out information on sportsmanship, said Dick Christy, assistant athletic director.

Ideas they will encourage: Respecting referees and visitors, cheering loudly but with appropriate language and respecting fellow Wolfpack fans -- especially young ones.

Nichols said they would likely report tailgating rule-breakers, such as fans with kegs or flammable tents, by cellular phone to police.

Mills said he doubts they will be taunted or jeered.

"People will realize the reason they're there and not berate them to any major degree," he said.

WITH volunteers could be students, alumni or anyone associated with the Wolfpack family, Mills said.

Asked about them Friday, sophomore Edward Godfrey said he doubts volunteers will be much of a bother.

"As long as they're not out there policing, they're not going to get in my way," he said. "But if they're going to be messing with me or my doings, that's not OK. If you're trashed, causing a nuisance, maybe you shouldn't be there. But it's not [the volunteers'] place."

Adams said volunteers will get training on when or if they should approach fans, and how to do it with respect.

He said sees no trouble recruiting volunteers. Students see the program as a way to keep tailgating alive -- and besides, volunteers get free tickets.

I am so proud.

Smells Like College Football is Back

Gamecock Tailgating Invite

When I was in law school, I went in with 6 of my classmates to purchase 2 tailgating spots at The Touchdown Zone.

We bought a tent, fought over who would actually drive into the touchdown zone to park, and would cook something great like chili, jambalaya, or fried turkey for every game.

Then, slowly but surely, people started moving away from Columbia.

Chuck and Cass Hollis moved to Atlanta and go to Georgia Tech (where Chuck went to undergrad) games;

Sean and Brenda Faulkner moved to Easley, South Carolina;

Chris and Ally Hill moved to Greenville and she pulled him over to the Dark Side (Clemson);

John and Laura McElwaine moved to Charleston;

Leon Spencer moved to Washington DC and married Kelly;

Finally, this summer, Jeff and Jessica Patterson moved to Boston.

That leaves the Turnipseeds as the only family left in Columbia.

This is an invitation to all who read Turnipblog to let me know if you want to come tailgate with us.

Sure, the others will be back for some of the games (Florida and Clemson), but not so much for Louisiana Lafayet(sp.) and South Carolina State.

Please come to a game!

I don't want to be sitting by myself at The Touchdown Zone, on a cooler, for 4 hours, in the intense heat, with a bag of chips.

College Football Week

Space News - Antimatter Energy Drink

I just found out about a new Energy Drink that I have to try. Below is text from the Antimatter web site (Link).

be not afraid...


...Antimatter™ is The World's First Space Energy Drink

Antimatter™ is produced from ingredients
that have been flown in space.

It is specifically designed to help improve your
mental focus,
reaction time and
physical stamina*.

Every time you take a drink of Antimatter™ you are consuming ingredients that have physically been to space and back — No Bull !

Flight of the Conchords

Flight of The Conchords have arrived.

How do I know?

This morning on Sportscenter they showed a clip of a MLB player striking out and arguing with the umpire. The Sportcenter announcer commented...

"Can you be more constructive with your criticism?"

Last week on Sportcenter, they showed a MLB player hit a home run and the Sportcenter announcer said...

"It's Business Time!"

Here is a clip of New Zealand's third most popular folk parady duo performing the greatest love song of our generation.

Flight of the Conchords- Business Time

Mrs. Dozier Wins by Losing.

The place, Irmo High School in Columbia, South Carolina.

What two words best describe my Junior(1985/86) and Senior (1986/87) years at Irmo High School?

Library Pass

A library pass had to be signed by a teacher and could get you out of study hall and into the library. I managed to score 3 Library Passes a day and spent a good portion of my Junior and Senior years in the Irmo High School Library.

Welcome to Library Pass, where I will tell true stories from the Irmo High School Library.


My Junior year at Irmo High School, I had Mrs. Dozier (pictured) for A.P. World History.

Mrs. Dozier was an innovative teacher who tried to trick us into learning with games. Mrs. Dozier had invented a board game called Imperialism and we often split into teams for some world history trivia competition. AP World History was packed with some of the smartest kids in my class. The trivia competition usually involved boys vs girls. The girls outnumbered us, but we held our own because Jeff Deloach knew the answer to every question and because Kevin Markland would throw the girls off by giving them "Ehh!"s and mocking them if they got a wrong answer. This was an especially good tactic against Ellen Reddick.

Mrs. Dozier won National Teacher of The Year. I remember Mrs. Dozier being very excited because she had been selected as one of the finalists, out of 11,500 applicants, to become the first civilian Teacher in Space. Mrs. Dozier was not selected.

I don't know who George Santayana is, but Mrs. Dozier had a George Santayana quote taped to her podium that read,

"Those who can not remember the past are condemned to repeat it."

This has always seemed a decent validation for history as a school subject. Hitler would not have invaded Russia in the winter if he had taken Mrs. Dozier for world history.

On January 28, 1986 at about 11:30 a.m., Mrs. Dozier took us to the Irmo High School Library where a television was wheeled out so that we could watch the live launch of the space shuttle that she had come so close to getting to ride in.

As we watched with Mrs. Dozier, the Challenger shuttle exploded 73 seconds after lift-off, killing all seven crew members, including Christa McAuliffe, the first teacher in space.

My son is Nigel Tufnel

The other night I witnessed something totally hilarious. It was a traumatic event for my wife and son, but the funniest things always involve the suffering of others.

I was downstairs watching TiVo after everyone else had gone to bed.

I heard the pitter-patter of little feet telling me that Sam had woken up and was running into our bedroom.

Sam either had to go potty or wanted some water, or wanted to get into our bed.

Regardless of the reason, Cyndy would be angry. Cyndy is a light sleeper and it takes her a few minutes to fall back asleep. She always keeps track of how many times the kids wake her up each night.

I paused the TiVo. If Cyndy heard me downstairs, I might be summoned to deal with Sam.

If Sam wanted water, Cyndy was going to call down to me.

I was very quiet.

If Sam wanted to get into our bed, I would hear struggle and conflict.

If Sam just needed to go potty, Cyndy would have to get up and follow him into the bathroom, stand behind him while he went, and then follow him into his bedroom and cover him up after he climbed into bed. At various points throughout the process, Sam would quickly turn his head around and look. If at any point, Cyndy was more than a foot behind him, I would hear Sam scream.

After what seemed like an eternity, I heard them talking in Sam's room. Their voices were growing agitated.

I got up and tip-toed to the bottom of the stairs. I made sure that I could jump out of the way without being seen if someone started to come down the stairs.

They were having "cover me up" issues. For some reason Sam, age 4, can not get into bed and pull the covers up by himself. We have to do it...

...just right.

Once you cover Sam up, the comforter has to be totally flat and smooth, with no lumps.

Also, the comforter has to completely cover the bed sheet so that no white is showing.

I listened as Cyndy got more and more frustrated and Sam got madder and madder. Sam was clearly half-asleep and wasn't making any sense.

Apparently, Sam wanted the comforter pulled up really far, but also didn't want it touching his ear. Cyndy's solution was to fold the top of the comforter, but Sam was not going to allow any folding.

As I stood there using my hand to hold back any audible giggles, I thought of a scene from "This Is Spinal Tap", where spoiled rocker Nigel Tufnel complains to his manager about the backstage food catering at a concert in Chapel Hill.

Nigel Tufnel Bread Scene

Newsmaking Building Near Me.

The red brick building shown in the photo to the right is located only a few blocks from where I work in Columbia South Carolina.

Can you tell me why this building was in the news a couple of months ago?

Prison Thriller

1969 Volume 4 - One Small Step

It is a common problem. The music that you like is inappropriate for children and/or your kids hate your music. Likewise, kids music makes you want to puke.

The Solution - My Mixed CD's For Kids (or kid friendly (or (kf))) cd's.

Here is the song list for 1969 - One Small Step, the fourth CD that I made to show my kids that the music on the radio the year that I was born is much better than today's music.

1. One Small Step Speech - Neil Armstrong

2. Cinnamon Girl - Neil Young

3. Carolina in My Mind - James Taylor

4. Let's Work Together - Canned Heat

5. Oh Darling - Beatles

6. Monkey Man - Rolling Stones

7. Harper Valley PTA - Jeannie C. Riley

8. Suspicious Minds - Elvis

9. Love Me Tonight - Tom Jones

10. Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In - The Fifth Dimension

11. Well Alright - Blind Faith

12. Crimson and Clover - Tommy James and the Shondells

13. Beginnings - Chicago

14. Lay Lady Lay - Bob Dylan

15. Victoria - The Kinks

16. Your Friend and Mine (Neil's Song) – Love

17. Living Loving Maid - Led Zeppelin

18. Pinball Wizard - The Who

19. Helplessly Hoping- Crosby, Stills, Nash

20. More Today Than Yesterday - Spiral Staircase

21. Mountain Dew - Johhny Cash and Bob Dylan

Sarc Lessons - Double Sarc

It's time for more Sarc lessons (link).

Have you been practicing your Sarc?

Saying the opposite of what you really mean?

In a sarcastic voice?

Have you been giving people "Ehh"s?(link)

After a while, your family/roomates and your classmates/co-workers will start to catch on to sarc. They will figure out that whenever you are using the sarcastic voice, you say the opposite of what you really mean.

What should you do when people catch on to sarc?

Give them an "Ehh", and then introduce Double Sarc.

Double Sarc is when you use a sarcastic voice...

...to say exactly what you mean.

Lets practice.

"Led Zeppelin Rocks"

"I'm Hungry"

"You Suck"

Just when people catch on to basic Sarc, you throw some double sarc on them.

Someone says something stupid,

You say, "You're an idiot!", in a sarcastic voice.

If they have caught on to basic sarc, they will not immediately know that you think they are an idiot, until every other sarc speaker in the room laughs at them.

Keep practicing your Sarc until the next lesson.

What is this?

What is this?

 

a) An infant toy that the kids no longer play with.

b) What we use to dump water on the kids' heads in the tub.

c) The only thing that either of our cats will drink out of.

d) All of the above.

Jonathan Lee Riches v. Michael Vick

A South Carolina prison inmate has filed a handwritten lawsuit seeking $63 quintillion from Michael Vick.

That's $63,000,000,000,000,000,000.

Jonathan Lee Riches' handwritten lawsuit was filed in the U.S. District Court in Richmond on July 23.

Riches claims that Vick stole his pit bulls and sold them on eBay to "use the proceeds to purchase missiles from the Iran government."

In the complaint, Riches scrawls that "Michael Vick has to stop physically hurting my feelings and dashing my hopes."

If he wins the lawsuit, Riches says he wants the $63 quintillion delivered in gold and silver to the front gate of the Williamsburg Federal Correctional Facility in South Carolina, where he is housed as he serves a conviction for wire fraud.

In a Turnipblog exclusive, here is the 3 page Complaint. (click to enlarge)

Sarc Dictionary - Giving an "Ehhhh!"

It all started in Irmo Middle School, on the bus. Some girl got annoyed at Kevin Markland, and he got right in her face, made a ridiculous face, and said,

"Ehhh!"

I laughed, as well as others.

The girl became even more annoyed.

"Ehhh!"

She was really getting pissed.

"Ehhh!"

Kevin had stumbled upon perhaps the greatest and most hilarious open display of lack of respect for another human being ever invented ...

... Giving someone an "Ehhh!"

The girl lashed back verbally, "Oh yeah, Kevin, real mature."

"Ehhh!"

What do you know, it also made the perfect comeback to any insult.

As time passed, others, including myself, learned to give "Ehhh!"s.

Sometimes you would actually say "Behhh!", but we still called it "Giving a Ehhh".

In crowds, you would say "Ehhh!", followed by the person's name (in a very sarcastic tone) so that people knew you were purposefully Giving an "Ehhh!" to someone, as opposed to just acting like a fool or having Tourettes.

Try it yourself.

Next time someone makes you mad, Give them an "Ehhh!"

No matter how they respond, follow it up with another "Ehhh!"

Remember to make a ridiculous face while "Ehhh!"ing.

Now try a long, drawn out, "Behhh!" where the mouth is left open afterwards.

Is the person confused as to what you are doing?

Throw their name in at the end.

Mika - Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)

You and your kids will love Mika.

Reality Tivo Update

Big Brother - I am loving the over-the-top, drama of BB.

People crying at nothing. People shouting at each other and finger wagging. People praying to God to help them win (God definitely cares who wins sporting events and reality TV shows).

My Prediction = Jen wins!

So You Think You Can Dance - What other show can you discuss with my mother and my daughter?

My Prediction = Sabra wins!

Last Comic Standing - This season LCS went all out and held open auditions for the best comic in the world (actually just USA, Canada, England, and Australia). The conestants no longer live together in the same house, but the show is still funny.

My Prediction = Matt Kirshen Wins!

Just looking at him makes me laugh.