Bachelor Party Fun

Went to my brother-in-law's bachelor party this weekend.

Great thing about bachelor parties is telling wife/girlfriend, "I just feel like I have to go for _______ (friend or relative)."

Best fun at bachelor parties = Getting drunk and scaring drunk non-married or no-kids-yet guys about how their life is about to be ruined. (I don't really believe this but it is still fun)

So, at the party I was working an engaged guy in the kitchen area of the condo,

"You know those things that you do, those bad habits that your fiance is so cool for letting you do and letting you get away with? As soon as you get married, even though she entered the marriage with full knowledge, she will make you quit half of those things. And then when you have kids, you can kiss the other half goodbye..."

When in walks this guy who I had never met who joins in and starts helping me. I was just kidding and doing it for fun, but this other married guy was truely bitter and was venting about his wife being pregnant with their third child.

So we start double teaming this drunk engaged guy, he is wincing and cringing in pain,

"...and then she decides that she wants another kid ... you will definitely have to pay for private school...."

"... have you ever watched Barney?..."

"...What time do you wake up on the weekend? Well my kids wake us up before seven EVERY DAY..."

By the end we were laughing at the engaged guy, taunting him. Good times.

As for the rest of the party, what happens in Folly Beach stays in Folly Beach.

Mystery Benefactor - Mrs. Havisham or Magwich?

I went to my brother-in-law Buddy's bachelor party this weekend. When I arrived in Charleston saturday afternoon to deliver the kids to the in-laws, we got a call from Buddy telling us that he was at his parents Condo at Folly beach and his car had gotten "booted." We jumped in a mini-van and went to the condo. Buddy ran up to the car and grabbed the 2 parking passes that we had brought. Then he pretended to grab them out of his car and showed them to the "boot guy". The boot guy, a skinny dude in his 20's covered on tatoos, refused to remove the boot unless we gave him 50$, saying that the passes weren't clearly visible.

I tried to reason with him: "Dude, you made a mistake, just take off the boot"

"Ok, I'll remove it gor $50."

Then my father-in-law walked up and said."We are not going to give you 50$ and you will remove the boot."

Then we asked for his supervisor and he gave us the runaround. We showed boot-guy that my father-in-law owned a condo, paid regime fees, and was therefore paying boot-guy's salary.

"Ok, for $50, I'll remove it."

Then the cops were called with both sides confident that they would prevail. Father-in-law also called the property management company.

I went upstairs to check on the party planning (booze and "entertainment").

Finally, Buddy came up stairs and said that boot-guy had recieved a call and removed the boot, telling Buddy and my-father-in-law that

"Someone has agreed to pay the $50 for you."

Old West Tales - Excuse me, you're eating my foot.

For an intoduction to Old West Tales, click here: Old West Tales - Introduction

Who else lived in Old West that you haven't told us about?

First the humans: Jamie lived in our suite. Jamie was a Clef-Hanger (all male UNC singing group) who played guitar. Because he was a poser, and not a real rocker, Vic changed Jamie's name to Hie-may and always called him Hie-may, even to his face.

There were a couple of other guys in the suite with a dart board. One time we were throwing darts from out the door and someone hit a can of deoderant. Deoderant started shooting out of the side of the can, which began spinning around and filling the room with a white mist, gagging all within.

Directly below our room were 3 frat boys, and boy were they A-holes. We would get drunk and see how loud we could be by jumping off the top bunk onto the floor. Despite my greater weight, Vic usually won because he had more hatred and the advantage of cowboy boots.

Also, at the bottom of our stairwell lived Dan, the RA. Dan was not at all cool and took his job and authority way too seriously. Vic was convinced that student housing had purposefully placed us under Dan's watchfull eye.

There were others in the dorm, like the hippie guy with the Black Sabbath Bootleg who I got photographed with for the Daily Tar Heel while Hacky-sacking one afternoon, but they aren't really important.

Non-humans: Brian was gone, but how could we make sure that we wasn't forgotten? Easy enough - Name a goldfish after him. Vic had an aquarium in our Old West room. The only thing in the aquarium was Luther, Vic's newt. Luther was very special to Vic and they had been through a lot together. Our freshman year Luther had survived an incident where a pickle had been placed in his tank at a party.

I went to the pet store and bought the biggest, ugliest, speckeldy-looking fish that they had. We named him "Brian" and he went into the tank with Luther. All seemed well until we noticed that one of Luther's feet was gone and only a nub remained. We started watching the tank and noticed that Brian would take a quick nibble from Luther's foot whenever he got the chance.

Double LPs survive thunder theft - Layla

I started a feature in this post about Great Double Albums.

Although he hated to do it, Anonymous, in a comment, stole my thunder and Nominated Pink Floyd "The Wall". Other thunder theives followed and I was forced to accept the following nominations: Beatles "White Album", Rolling Stones "Exile on Main Street", Led Zeppelin "Physical Graffiti", and Bob Dylan "Blonde on Blonde".

Well, I got plenty of thunder left, how about:

"Layla and Other Assorted Love Songs", by Derrick and The Dominoes. This 1970 album is one of the best Rock albums ever and is a field-day for a Rock Trivia freak like me.

After the break up of Blind Faith, Eric Clapton went on tour with Delaney and Bonnie. Delaney and Bonnie's backing band, with Clapton on guitar, became Derrick and the Dominoes. The group's name reportedly resulted from a gaffe made by the announcer at their first concert, who mispronounced the band's provisional name --"Eric & The Dynamos" -- as "Derek & The Dominos".

Inspiration and theme of the album = Clapton was depressed and doing a lot of drugs, including heroine, because he was madly in love with his best friend's (George Harrison) wife Pattie Boyd.

What puts this album over the top is the fact that Duane Allman showed up in the studio and ended up playing slide guitar on almost every song.

Everyone has heard the songs "Layla" and "Bell Bottom Blues", but the other songs are great as well. Take love songs like "I Looked Away", "I Am Yours", "Anyday", and "Thorn Tree In The Garden" and add blues jams such as "Keep On Growing", "Nobody Knows You When You're Down And Out","Key To The Highway", "Tell The Truth", and "Have You Ever Loved A Woman". Finally, top it all off with a cover of Jimi Hendrix's "Little Wing" and a song that in my opinion has some of the best guitar playing of any song ever recorded, "Why Does Love Got To Be So Sad?"

Sort of Happy ending = In 1977, Boyd divorced Harrison and, in 1979, married Clapton. The two later divorced in 1988.

TiVo tip - Cosmos returns.

One of my all time favorite people is Carl Sagan. I have read many of Sagan's books, including Contact, Billions and Billions, Demon Haunted World, and Pale Blue Dot (Which was inspired by the photograph shown in This Post).

My love of space, cosmology, and Sagan started when I was 10 years old and I started watching a show called Cosmos on PBS. One of the best shows ever.


Well, Cosmos is back, after 25 years, on Science Channel, with updated information and graphics, starting tonight. Here is the link: Cosmos Returns

Pep Rally - Chapters I, II, and III

The Pep Rally
Chapter I - Sweet Dreams.

Johnny knew that his mother would be angry. She always told him, "Now you get your sorry ass home before dark.", and Johnny had always done what his mother told him, until tonight. Johnny spent his last token, left the arcade, and started walking. It was dark, and Johnny wasn't home. Johnny was scared, and although he didn't know it yet, he was lost.

Johnny rounded the corner at a slow trot and started down the
alley. It was dark. So dark that Johnny didn't see the hulking figure
lurking behind the dumpster; until it was too late. In a flash Johnny
was knocked to the ground, straddled by the figure. Johnny wanted to
give the figure some money, but he knew that it had all been spent on
Q-bert. It didn't matter anyway, Johnny was too scared to speak, or
move. As the figure leaned over Johnny, a large object slid off of the
figure's back and landed with a thud on the ground near Johnny's head.
The object was a tremendous burlap sack and as the figure opened the
sack Johnny first experienced the stench. An odor so foul that Johnny
never forgot it. How could he. That odor, that night, would haunt him
for the rest of his life.

Johnny looked up as the figure lifted a soggy yellow mass from the
sack. A cabbage. A very old, very rotten, very large, cabbage. The
figure forced open Johnny's mouth and crammed the fetid cabbage in.

"Eat!"

Johnny did.

Then another cabbage. "Eat!"

And another, "Eat!"

At some point, during the next hour and a half, Johnny started
crying ... stopped resisting ... surrendered his will to the figure ...
and started counting. He counted them one by one, cabbage after
cabbage ... eighty six, eighty seven, eighty eight...

Johnny woke suddenly from his nightmare the same way that he had
for the last six years, with his mother slapping his face and telling
him that it was alright.

"Wake up sorry ass, you were having another nightmare. Its
alright."

But it wasn't alright.

It wasn't just a nightmare.

Chapter II - A short walk.

"What color will it be today Johnny?", asked Johnny's mother.

"How about blue.", Johnny replied.

"Blue it is.", Johnny's mother said as she opened the box and
handed Johnny a brand new, blue, Renuzit air freshener. Johnny tore
the plastic covering off of the Renuzit, pulled down his drawers,
removed the red Renuzit from the day before while holding his breath,
and quickly stuffed the exposed wick of today's blue Renuzit into his
anus.

"All plugged up!" Johnny exclaimed as he grabbed a pop-tart on
the way out the front door to catch the school bus. Johnny hated
leaving the house each morning and boarding the school bus which
stopped right in front of his door. It was only a short walk of a few
steps from his front porch to the bus stop, but to Johnny it seemed
like an eternity. On this particular Friday the short walk was long
enough for the following insults and jeers to be hurled at Johnny
before he could board the bus and take his usual seat right behind the
driver:

"Its poot boy!",

"He smells like my baby sister's puke!", and

"That's Johnny, the kid who constantly rips the disgusting acidic
cabbage farts!"

Johnny didn't pay much attention to the taunts of the other children
riding the bus on the way to school. If today was going to be like any
other school day, things would only get worse. At the time, Johnny had
no idea exactly how much worse things would get.

Chapter III - Same old, same old.

On his way to lunch Johnny was thinking that if he could just make it through the rest of the day then it would be the weekend and he could spend Saturday and Sunday locked in his bedroom, safe from the stinging jaunts of his peers.

Home-room and first and second period were relatively uneventful. Johnny sat in pretty much the same position in each class, sandwiched between the largest window to the outdoors that could be opened and one of the industrial sized fans that his parents had been forced to purchase by the school board. This arrangement worked to the extent that none of the other kids had to endure the malodorous gasses that sometimes slipped passed Johnny's renuzit plug. However, the noise of the industrial sized fans often made it difficult for Johnny to hear what his teachers were saying.

No one ever made the connection, but that is probably why Johnny had ended up in so many "special" classes. That also explained why, on this particular Friday, Johnny never heard the announcements and was unaware that a school pep rally was scheduled for seventh period in the gymnasium.

Johnny carried his textbooks and notebooks for every class along with him all day every day. Although it made it harder for him to try and defend himself with his arms full of books, it also kept him from having to go anywhere near his locker or the locker area where Johnny would inevitably encounter Dodie and Murf.

Dodie and Murf were big bullies at Johnny's high school. They tormented any kids who looked funny or were different. Johnny was their favorite victim. Dodie and Murf had even been known to turn their attention from wedgy-ing the "mainstreamed" retarded kids to Johnny should he walk past in order to deliver a boot to the kneecaps or a forearm to the back of the head.

Every fall when Johnny came back to school from the summer he would be almost positive that Dodie and Murf had to have graduated the year before. But every year they were there waiting for him. Johnny didn't know how many grades Dodie and Murf had failed, but he estimated their ages at twenty four and thirty respectively.

The books that Johnny was carrying on this particular Friday were stacked so high that his vision was partially obscured. Obscured to the point that Johnny couldn't see the bottom line of the daily menu posted outside of the cafeteria as he walked inside third period for lunch. The line that read,

"Fried fish ... and s l a w."

Saturday's Game

I came away from Saturday's game with a bad taste in my mouth. The opposing players kept holding and it wasn't getting called. Then the opposing coach was telling his players to stop playing and let the clock run out. I know I shouldn't get so upset about sports, but I can't help it.

So what if the Blue Bells are four, and five year old girls who don't even keep score, we should have won that game. Madeline scored a goal in the first quarter and then got pushed down and ran to the sideline crying at the beginning of the third quarter. She spent the rest of the game with a coldpack on her head. Every thirty seconds I asked her if she was OK to go back in the game (we needed 2 goals), but she couldn't. Then, the same little girl took out another one of our players, Lilly. As Lilly's father ran on to the field to scoop up his crying 4 year old, he told the other coach to tell his team to not push and keep their arms down. Afterwards (I learned this after the game) the coach told her "keep doing what your doing".

Near the end of the game we were down a goal and our team cleared the ball and it was rolling slowly toward the sideline at about half field. A little girl on the other team was right there and could have easily stopped the ball, turned, and started kicking it toward our goal, unchallenged. The opposing coach told her not to get the ball and to let it roll out of bounds.

I wish we had a playoff so we could see that team again.

Kid Tip - Its a Jolly Holiday with Baloo

Do you hate it when your kids are watching some movie and the songs in the movie are lame? Even worse, your kids may start singing the lame songs or they might get stuck in your head.

Today's kid tip is my recommendation for best music in kids movies, and the winners are: Disney's Jungle Book and Mary Poppins.

Each of these movies is full of songs that won't make you want to shove a steak knife in your ear.

Waylon Cook - Double Evacuee

I have been volunteering at South Carolina Cares, helping hurricane evacuees. I helped with a few legal problems, but mostly I was working with project-reunite, where we find seperated families and buy them bus or plane tickets. Thursday morning at the evacuee center, Nola was telling me about an evacuee from New Orleans named Waylon Cook. Here is a story about Waylon from The State newspaper:

Tue, Sep. 20, 2005 - KATRINA’S WAKE - Evacuee leaves Columbia for unknown future. New Orleans man, still waiting to find his family, returns to Louisiana.
By JAMES T. HAMMOND - Staff Writer

Waylon Cook boarded a bus headed for Louisiana on Monday afternoon, uncertain of what he would find of his home, his family and his life.

“Everything is gone. I’m going back to nothing,” said the 44-year-old carpenter and electrician for the French Quarter Suites in flood-stricken New Orleans.

There is little doubt he has been reduced to poverty, materially. He knows his home was destroyed. Information about the fate of his family remains ambiguous. His 37-year-old wife, Louise, and 2-year-old daughter, Aisha, left him the night before the post-hurricane flood to go to Louise’s mother’s house.

Relief volunteers at Columbia’s Operation Reunite found a message posted on the Internet showing his wife looking for him. But it did not include her location.

Every day since he was evacuated to Columbia last week, Cook has sat quietly in the Operation Reunite office at the old Naval Reserve center on Pickens Street, waiting his turn to inquire whether the volunteers from the S.C. Bar have found his wife. Bar employees Jill Rothstein and Nola Armstrong took a personal interest in Cook, worried that the tall, thin man was not eating and growing even thinner. They finally made contact with his employer, a New Orleans hotel operator, who said Cook had wages waiting if he made it back.

“Don’t you worry. I’m going to keep looking for your wife,” Rothstein told Cook on Monday morning, rising to her tiptoes to give the tall man a reassuring hug.

Operation Reunite purchased his bus ticket to return to Louisiana. The bus company told him he would not be allowed to get off in New Orleans and would have to ride on to Baton Rouge, leaving him still 80 miles away from his home. He hopes he’ll be able to return to work at the French Quarter Suites. Rattling his pocket, he says with a wry smile, “I’ve got the keys to the hotel.”

But in many ways Cook is plunging into the unknown, and he knows it.

“I’m scared. I’m scared,” he said, as he waited for his bus to depart for Louisiana.

Well before my shift ended, in walked Waylon Cook. He told me what happened after the news story was written:

The bus dropped Waylon off in Baton Rouge and he took "the back way" into downtown New Orleans. He used the keys that he had to the hotel that he worked for and was staying inside the hotel when the Army burst in and got him. Waylon is a smooth talking veteran, so the Army decided to let him go. He bought his own plane ticket and flew back to Columbia. During the course of all this, he located his wife in Picayune, Mississippi. As of Thursday, he was trying to figure out what to do next. He told us that he had also been on the television news in Louisiana while he was down there.

Cortez wuss compared to Mark Burnett

Background: Deep within the jungles Guatemala and extending into the limestone shelf of the Yucatán peninsula lie the fabled temples and palaces of the Maya. While Europe still slumbered in the midst of the Dark Ages, these innovative people had charted the heavens, evolved the only true writing system native to the Americas and were masters of mathematics and calendrics. Without advantage of metal tools, beasts of burden or even the wheel they were able to construct vast cities with an astonishing degree of architectural perfection and variety.

The Mayan civilization was destoyed when the Mayans were slaughtered by and succumed to Spanish invaders. In addition, imported European diseases decimated the Mayan population. The Mayans were moved into villages and paid heavy taxes to the Spanish government.

The Mayan legacy lives on in the form of stone ruins which have survived in a spectacular fashion as well as seven million descendants of the classic Maya civilization.

When future generations study the history of the Mayan civilization, abuses heaped on the Mayans by the Spanish will pale in comparison to the atrocities committed by the Nakum and Yaxha tribes. Never heard of them? You need to watch Survivor Guatemala. The contestants are living in (and vomiting on) the Mayan Ruins.

Where are They now? - Roomate Brian

Brian was one of my roomates at UNC. If you don't know about him quitting college, read the post below this one "The Ballad of Brian and What's-her-name"

Q = Whatever became of Brian?

A = He is a music columnist for the Detroit Free Press.

Here is a link to Brian's weekly column, Brian McCollum's Music Weekend.

Last year, a friend called me and told me that he saw Brian on TV talking about Eminem. Here are excerpts from our e-mail:

From my e-mail to Brian

How is it been going? Dorf called me and said he saw you on MTV talking about Eminem. I will try to tivo it.

You bastard, how did you manage to make a living off of music and the rock-n-roll lifestyle with absolutely no musical talent. I gotta think that it was your exposure to Uriah Heep and Black Sabbath out Freshman year at UNC.

From Brian's response

Man... I've done literally about 10 or 12 of these documentaries at this point. It's frikkin nuts. Between Eminem, Kid Rock and the White Stripes, I'm riding some hardcore TV coattails on the Detroit thang.

No musical talent?! Hey, I was first-chair trumpet for six years! I wrote my first songs when I was six! But hell, you know more than anybody I was just born a music geek. I can still pull off that goofy old parlor trick of attaching birthdays to #1 songs, though a little fuzziness is starting to set in here at 35.

Finally, this from an e-mail Brian sent me a few weeks ago

Life here is swell. Busier than ever at the Freep, and I’ve been hired as an adjunct professor at Wayne State University. Amazing what the “college dropout” line can do for your resume...

Later,

B

Old West Tales - The Ballad of Brian and Whats-her-name

For an intoduction to Old West Tales, click here: Old West Tales - Introduction

Brian started our Sophomore year with a girlfriend that he met over the summer. She was going to Western Carolina. Western Carolina is in Cullowhee, NC. I know this because that is what our phone bill said, line after line. Brian would stretch the telephone cord out the door, and sit out in the middle of the suite smoking cigarettes and talking to his girlfriend all night. He would also go to visit her in his "Wheel of Fortune" car.

That's right, when Brian was in highschool he won a small domestic car on "Wheel of Fortune". He didn't just win the car, he bought it with the money he won on the show. I have seen the tape. Brian spun $2,000 and guessed the letter "D". The puzzle was "Don't drink and drive". At the end of the show Brian won a trip to Hawaii by solving the puzzle "Born in the USA" with very few letters showing. Watching the tape, I wouldn't have gotten it.

Brian loved the Beatles, particularly John Lennon. Brian had based his hair style on a photo of John Lennon. This is ironic because Brian definitely got YOKO'd by his girlfriend. I don't remember the exact sequence, but it all started when he began dating this girl. Brian's parents got really freaked out about possible drug use and whatever was going on in that liberal hippie commune that is known as Chapel Hill. Brian was yanked out of school and never came back for the second semester. I thought that it was a bit of an overreaction because Brian was one of the few underclassmen writing for the Daily Tar Heel, had great grades, and really didn't do all that many drugs.

Although I was sad to see Brian go, our triple had become a double and Vic and I actually had a little elbow room. Student housing promised us that we would not get a new roomate. They lied.....

Rockstar INXS - Marty Wins

Well the competition is over and, as most predicted, J.D. was chosen as INXS's new lead singer. The real winner, however, was Marty Casey and his band Lovehammers (pictured above). At the end of the show, INXS told Marty (the runner-up) that they wanted Lovehammers to open for INXS on their upcoming tour. Crowds will go crazy when Lovehammers perform "Trees".

Link to Lovehammers website

Peeing Outside Survey Revisited

A week ago, I solicited opinions on peeing outside in this post, and I have only gotten one response.

Come on people, give me your opinions on if? where? when? and under what circumstances? it is acceptable to pee outside!

For instance: I have no problem peeing through a porch screen, but I refuse to "take a knee" to pee outside.

If you don't want to talk about peeing outside, what about peeing in a moving vehicle?, is it ever OK?
Do you prefer open cup or bottle with cap?
Dump out window while moving or wait till stopped and open door to dump?

Is it OK to cut the top off of a beer can and pee in it if you have been stuck in USC vs Georgia football traffic for an hour and a half?

This should help with that negative Nazi image.

No Smiling for Passport Photos in Germany
Thursday, September 15, 2005, 8:40 PDT BERLIN, Germany (AP)

Germans were ordered Thursday to stay serious when having their photographs taken for new passports, wiping away any grins, smirks or smiles so that biometric scanners can pick up their facial features.

Interior Minister Otto Schily ordered passport authorities to only accept pictures taken from the front showing the "most neutral facial expression possible," starting Nov. 1.

Facial recognition systems match key features on the holder's face and work best when the face has a neutral expression with the mouth closed.

"A broad smile, however nice it may be, is therefore unacceptable," the Interior Ministry said in a statement.

Black Hole of Calcutta vs. USC Bama Game

"The Black Hole of Calcutta" was a small dungeon where Indian troops held British prisoners of war after the capture of Fort William on June 20, 1756. According to a disputed account by a survivor, 123 of 146 prisoners died of heat exhaustion in the confined conditions, though historians now believe the number to be at most 43. (From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.) Click Here for more details.

Alabama beat USC 37 to 14, Saturday at Williams Brice Stadium, the worst home college football loss Steve Spurrier has ever coached.

Top 10 reasons that "The Black Hole of Calcutta" was more enjoyable than attending Saturday's USC v. Alabama Football Game:

10. Williams Brice Stadium packed tighter than "Black Hole".

9. "Black Hole" prisoners didn't pay $30 a piece to attend.

8. No one felt a need to historically embellish or exaggerate the conditions at the game.

7. No one's Bowl Hopes dashed by "Black Hole".

6. 80,000 victims vs. 143 victims (liberal estimate for "Black Hole").

5. "Black Hole" survivors not forced to re-live experience on Sportscenter.

4. "Black Hole" captives were abandoned overnight by their captors while USC fans had to watch Alabama fans gloat.

3. Plenty of shade in "Black Hole".

2. USC fans knew that they would have to wait a year for another "chance" to beat Alabama, Black Hole" captives knew that Great Britian would blame "brutish Indians" and get revenge by mistreating India for many years.

1. More of a breeze in "Black Hole".

Big Brother Update - Farewell Janelle

Farewell Janelle.

You gave those bitches hell.

We were sorry that you fell.

But you won some stuff you can sell.


Janelle, we think you're swell.

We all wish we could tell

Ivette that her girlfriend does as well.

Kid Tip - Rehearsal Dinner Video Photos

Sam likes to dress up in different clothes and then walk around with a very serious look on his face. Whenever I am faced with the delimma of either sitting on my butt, or going to find the camera to take a picture of one of my children, I ask myself the following question:

Will I be able to use this photo in a video meant to embarass him/her at his/her wedding rehearsal dinner?

Sam chose this outfit to wear outside. He was walking around and banging things (minivans and trashcans) with the two wrenches in the photo. I ran and got the camera and tried to get him to pose, but he didn't want to be bothered and said "I'm working."

Old West Tales - Turnip____

For an intoduction to Old West Tales, click here: Old West Tales - Introduction

Diagonally across the suite from us in Old West was another triple room full of Teague refugees. They were mostly from Graham, North Carolina and were physically alot bigger than we were, although they were far from Jocks. They built a loft in their room and slept in the loft. The ground was reserved for the television and three full sized lazy-boy recliners. They sat in these recliners, in the dark, and watched television, mostly soap opras. They would watch Bold and the Beautiful and comment about having sex with "Brooke". These guys would not get out of the recliners, unless they had to pass gas, then they would make sure to come into our room first.

One thing that amazed me about these guys was an incredible sixth sense that they had. They could sense when we had girls in the room. No matter what time of day or night, if we brought, or even snuck,a girl into our room, even if their door was closed, within seconds they would come strolling into the room to openly check her out, usually wearing nothing but a towel.

These guys thought my last name, "Turnipseed" was funny, but they always put their own cursing spin on it. For example: "What's up Turnipshit?", or "Where you going, Turnipfuck?"

My all time favorite, and the other two looked at the one who said it like he was an idiot, was "What's up, Turnipdick?"

Great Music - Double Albums

Great Music is a feature where I recommend music. In the coming weeks, Great Music will focus on great double albums. When choosing great albums, double albums often get the nod over single albums. Some of the best albums of all time are double albums because double albums have double the music. A great example of the double album is Stevie Wonder's 1976 Songs in the Key of Life, discussed in this post.

Warning - The album pictured at left, Yes's 1973 disaster, Tales From The Topographic Oceans is not a great double album. Tales represents what can happen when a double album goes very, very wrong. 15 minutes of legitimate music, 2 albums, only 4 songs, over 20 minutes each.

Peeing Outside - A Survey

A few weeks ago I went down to rural Georgia to investigate a case. We stopped at a Subway resteraunt in the middle of nowhere for a late lunch. There were two women working there. I asked one of them where their bathroom was. She said that they didn't have one. I asked "Isn't that against the law?" She said , "Not in Georgia." and encouraged us to go outside and pee somewhere. Usually, I find that women are against men peeing outside, so I asked if she had a problem with men peeing outside. She told us that she actually encouraged her boys to pee outside because they had trouble aiming at the toilet.

I love to pee outside and think it is fun, but I want to know what everyone else thinks about men peeing outside, especially women. Is it OK or not? Is it ever OK? What if it is dark? What if a toilet is readily accessible? Same rules for your children and husband/boyfriend?

My personal belief is that it is OK for a male to pee outside as long as no female can see him or hear pee and as long as no male can actually see his private parts.

"Fight Sword"

At least once a day, Sam picks up almost any object and says "Fight Sword" and starts swinging it around or trying to hit someone. If asked, he will tell you that he is hitting "bad monsters". Problem is, aside from TV, their really aren't that many bad monsters around our house or even at the playground. Unfortunately, "Fight Sword"s are as easy to come by as clothes hangers and sticks.

Pick a Pepper

Paydirt correctly guessed 4 out of 5 peppers from my garden as shown in this post from September 3, 2005.

However, the photo was misleading and I am giving Paydirt another shot based on these peppers that I picked yesterday.

Big Brother - America's Choice

And America's Choice to visit the set of the un-funny Two-and-a-Half-Men is ...

Nazi/Magician

We went to a birthday party this weekend with a Nazi/Magician performing. First, he had all the kids come and sit on the ground in front of him. Then, "speaking to the kids", loud enough for all to hear he said "And the parents should all gather around and sit down so that they do not talk and distract from the performance." Next he pulled a cell phone out of a hat and told everyone to turn off their cell phone or he would take it. Then the show began. At one point, an excited child was walking around and tripped over a bench and fell, harmlessly and uninjured. As the child's mother rushed to pick him up, the Nazi/Magician said, "See, that's why I told all the kids to sit down." When the show was over, all of the children rushed forward to pet the rabbit, exposing a puddle on the ground where a very embarrassed 4 year old sat. The girl's mother took her to the car and changed her. When they returned, we learned that the girl had wanted to use the bathroom but was afraid to move. All the kids got a treat bag with an autographed photo stapled to it.

The photo is cheezy, but the Nazi/Magician literally scared the piss out of the kids.

Blue Bells - 1 and 0

My wife Cyndy coaches our daughter Madeline's soccer team, The Blue Bells. We had our first game of the fall today. After 3 long seasons as one of the youngest teams in the league, the Blue Bells return everyone and should be one of the more experienced teams. Today the Blue Bells won 3 to nothing, although I am only counting it as 2 to nothing because of an own-goal.

Oh yeah, Madeline, shown above, had 2 goals.

Big Brother Update - New HoH

Great Music - Songs in the Key of Life

The Great Music or (GM) feature is where I recommend music.

Stevie Wonder's 1976 Double Album - Songs in the Key of Life, is One of the Best Albums - Ever.

If you grew up listening to the radio in the seventies, you remember Sir Duke, I Wish and Isn't She Lovely (One of best parenthood songs ever), but the whole album is great. Add Have a Talk with God, Saturn, Ebony Eyes, and Black Man. Then Pastime Paradise, Summer Soft and As take this album to another level. Top it all off with two of the best shower singers of all time, Knocks Me off My Feet and If its Magic.

Big Brother Update

Did I mention that I like Janelle?

Seedstrodamus - Lance Armstrong

On July 31, In a post entitled Don't Like Lance Armstrong, I predicted (despite his "retirement"), that we had not seen the last of Lance Armstrong. As with most Seedstrodamus predictions, I was correct.

ESPN reports - WASHINGTON, Sept 6 - Seven times Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong says he is considering a return to competitive cycling.

"While I'm absolutely enjoying my time as a retired athlete with (fiancee) Sheryl (Crow) and the kids, the recent smear campaign out of France has awoken my competitive side," Armstrong said in a statement on Tuesday.

"I'm not willing to put a percentage on the chances but I will no longer rule it out."

Wow, that didn't take long. It hasn't even been a month since he won his 7th Tour de France. Anyway, I don't like Lance Armstrong, or his fiance Sheryl Crow, but she is hot, as demonstrated by this photo.

Oh, I almost forgot, the Frogs are right and he is definitely "On The Juice"

Old West Tales - Hector's Express Sidewalk

For an intoduction to Old West Tales, click here: Old West Tales - Introduction

Old West Dorm is in a great location, close to classes and also to Franklin Street. In fact, there was this one side walk that went from the door of Old West, all the way to Franklin Street, ending right in front of Hector's, one of my favorite resteraunts in Chapel Hill. Hector's was a grill that served "greek" food. You walked in, got in line, ordered your food, and by the time you got to the end of the counter, your food was ready. My favorite things at Hector's was greek grilled cheese (grilled cheese on pita bread) and Double cheeseburger on pita (self explanatory). Of course Hector's followed my tried and true formula of grease = taste. Most people considered Hectors late-night-drunk-food, and late-night was when the line was out the door, but I liked Hector's at all times of day. Many times I remember strolling the shops and boutiques of Franklin street waiting for 11:00 am so that Hector's would open and I could get lunch.

There were many mornings at Old West where I would wake up with a stomache ache, and due to my state of mind the night before, have no recollection of why my stomach hurt so bad. As soon as I got out of bed, mystery solved when I found partially crumbled sheets of aluminum foil with pools of mustard-tinged grease in them - The Hectors express sidewalk.

Click here for video of Hector's: Hector's Video

Gracious Goodness

Do you like to eat? Do you like to cook delicious food and then eat it? If, so, you need Gracious Goodness, the best cook-book ever. Gracious Goodness features "lowcountry cooking" and was put together by my wife's Catholic high school, Bishop England in Charleston, SC. We nicknamed Gracious Goodness GG for short. We use this cookbook so much that it has come out of the binding and we again shortened the nickname "GG" to just one syllable, "Jeej".

Every recipe that we have tried from "Jeej" is great, from pickled okra (yes, my famous pickled okra came from "Jeej") to poppyseed chicken (which my family ate last night). Buy "Jeej" for yourself, or as a gift. You will not be dissapointed.

You can order it here:

Gracious Goodness

Garden Update - Peppers Kickin

My garden has been hugely dissapointing this year, except for peppers. Pictured above is one day's worth.

Grits Injury

I wasn't the only injured person at our tailgate spot for the UCF game. Uncharacteristically, my friend Sean, from Easley, SC, was wearing sandals with jeans. Sean is the first person that I have ever heard of suffering a "grits" injury. Sean was cooking breakfast for his 3 boys and was a little too rough with an overly full pot of hot grits. The grits sloshed out onto his foot, causing second degree burns. Apparently a blob of hot grits solders into the skin and takes a nice chunck of flesh with it when you pull the grit blob off.

Not an idiot, just human

In this photo, I am doing something that I hate. I notice other people doing it, and think they are idiots. Why am I holding up one finger, as if to say "We are number 1"? On TV, you see people do it at every game for every sport, often they are also mouthing "number one, baby."

Most of the time, as was the case in this photo, the person showing the "number 1" sign is not cheering or supporting a team that is really the top team in the given sport, or even the best team in their respective conference or league. This was the first game of the College Football Season and not only is South Carolina not "number 1", we are not even ranked in the top 25. Although I am excited about Steve Spurrier, I am just hoping that we get 6 wins and beat Clemson.

So why did I do it? A = Human reflex

When a human is at a sporting event and they are suddenly placed on camera, a reflex makes that finger go up.

Audio Welcome - Part 2

Look for me on TV

It's Here! The season's first college football game, The debut of Spurrier as a Gamecock, and ESPN College Gameday.

Look for me tonight on television. I will be the guy with the broken neck, puking up bratwurst, tylox and jagermeister.