The Pep Rally
Chapter I - Sweet Dreams. Johnny knew that his mother would be angry.
She always told him, "Now you get your sorry ass home before dark.", and Johnny had always done what his mother told him...
...until tonight.
Johnny spent his last token, left the arcade, and started walking.
It was dark, and Johnny wasn't home.
Johnny was scared, and although he didn't know it yet, he was lost.
Johnny rounded the corner at a slow trot and started down the
alley.
It was dark.
So dark that Johnny didn't see the hulking figure lurking behind the dumpster - until it was too late.
In a flash Johnny was knocked to the ground, straddled by the figure.
Johnny wanted to give the figure some money, but he knew that it had all been spent on Q-bert.
It didn't matter anyway, Johnny was too scared to speak, or move.
As the figure leaned over Johnny, a large object slid off of the figure's back and landed with a thud on the ground near Johnny's head.
The object was a tremendous burlap sack and as the figure opened the sack Johnny first experienced the stench.
An odor so foul that Johnny never forgot it.
How could he.
That odor, that night, would haunt him for the rest of his life.
Johnny looked up as the figure lifted a soggy yellow mass from the
sack.
A cabbage.
A very old, very rotten, very large, cabbage.
The figure forced open Johnny's mouth and crammed the fetid cabbage in.
"Eat!"
Johnny did.
Then another cabbage. "Eat!"
And another, "Eat!"
At some point, during the next hour and a half, Johnny started
crying ... stopped resisting ... surrendered his will to the figure ...
and started counting.
He counted them one by one, cabbage after cabbage ... eighty six, eighty seven, eighty eight...
Johnny woke suddenly from his nightmare the same way that he had
for the last six years, with his mother slapping his face and telling
him that it was alright.
"Wake up sorry ass, you were having another nightmare. Its
alright."
But it wasn't alright.
It wasn't just a nightmare.
Chapter II - A short walk."What color will it be today Johnny?", asked Johnny's mother.
"How about blue.", Johnny replied.
"Blue it is.", Johnny's mother said as she opened the box and handed Johnny a brand new, blue, Renuzit air freshener.
Johnny tore the plastic covering off of the Renuzit, pulled down his drawers,
removed the red Renuzit from the day before while holding his breath, and quickly stuffed the exposed wick of today's blue Renuzit into his anus.
"All plugged up!" Johnny exclaimed as he grabbed a pop-tart on
the way out the front door to catch the school bus.
Johnny hated leaving the house each morning and boarding the school bus which
stopped right in front of his door.
It was only a short walk of a few steps from his front porch to the bus stop, but to Johnny it seemed like an eternity.
On this particular Friday the short walk was long enough for the following insults and jeers to be hurled at Johnny before he could board the bus and take his usual seat right behind the driver:
"Its poot boy!",
"He smells like my baby sister's puke!", and
"That's Johnny, the kid who constantly rips the disgusting acidic cabbage farts!"
Johnny didn't pay much attention to the taunts of the other children riding the bus on the way to school. If today was going to be like any other school day, things would only get worse.
At the time, Johnny had no idea exactly how much worse things would get.
Chapter III - Same old, same old.On his way to lunch Johnny was thinking that if he could just make it through the rest of the day then it would be the weekend and he could spend Saturday and Sunday locked in his bedroom, safe from the stinging jaunts of his peers.
Home-room and first and second period were relatively uneventful.
Johnny sat in pretty much the same position in each class, sandwiched between the largest window to the outdoors that could be opened and one of the industrial sized fans that his parents had been forced to purchase by the school board.
This arrangement worked to the extent that none of the other kids had to endure the malodorous gasses that sometimes slipped passed Johnny's renuzit plug.
However, the noise of the industrial sized fans often made it difficult for Johnny to hear what his teachers were saying. No one ever made the connection, but that is probably why Johnny had ended up in so many "special" classes. That also explained why, on this particular Friday, Johnny never heard the announcements and was unaware that a school pep rally was scheduled for seventh period in the gymnasium.
Johnny carried his textbooks and notebooks for every class along with him all day every day. Although it made it harder for him to try and defend himself with his arms full of books, it also kept him from having to go anywhere near his locker or the locker area where Johnny would inevitably encounter Dodie and Murf.
Dodie and Murf were big bullies at Johnny's high school. They tormented any kids who looked funny or were different.
Johnny was their favorite victim.
Dodie and Murf had even been known to turn their attention from wedgy-ing the "mainstreamed" retarded kids to Johnny should he walk past in order to deliver a boot to the kneecaps or a forearm to the back of the head.
Every fall when Johnny came back to school from the summer he would be almost positive that Dodie and Murf had to have graduated the year before. But every year they were there waiting for him.
Johnny didn't know how many grades Dodie and Murf had failed, but he estimated their ages at twenty four and thirty respectively.
The books that Johnny was carrying on this particular Friday were stacked so high that his vision was partially obscured -
-Obscured to the point that Johnny couldn't see the bottom line of the daily menu posted outside of the cafeteria as he walked inside third period for lunch. The line that read,
"Fried fish ... and s l a w."
Chapter IV - Dyspepsia. ... No sooner had Johnny crossed the threshold of the tray dump area leading into the cafeteria when his knees buckled and he fell to the floor grasping and scratching at his esophagus and projectile vomiting towards the table where the most popular kids sat.
The last thing Johnny could remember before waking up in the health room was catching a strong whiff of coleslaw, falling to the ground, and Murf yelling "Be careful not to pull his finger!" as a crowd gathered to gawk and chuckle while Johnny puked.
The next thing Johnny remembered was waking up in the health room with Mr. Smiley, the only male Health Room nurse in the Continental United States, in attendance.
"What are you doing?", asked Johnny
"Why I am taking your pulse.", replied Mr. Smiley.
"You've grown into quite a healthy young boy", Mr. Smiley commented as he was zipping up Johnny's pants.
"Here is your hall pass, now call me if you ever want to come over to see my swimming pool and snow-cone machine."
Chapter V - Show and "Oh".Johnny took his hall pass and went to his next class.
It was his last class of the day, one of his special classes, Miss La Vella's class.
Miss La Vella was very nice and Johnny felt very special inside when he looked at Miss La Vella, but that is another story.
Johnny assumed his usual seat near the window. Johnny was actually thankful for his seating arrangements in this class because his mandatory fart-fan insulated him from the physical attacks of Dodie and Murf.
Every Friday Miss La Vella's class was treated to a student presentation.
Throughout the year each student was required to present a semester project in front of the class. Today Dodie was presenting his semester project.
"To celebrate my friendship to Johnny, I would like to present him with this token of friendship."
Dodie pulled what looked like a multicolored belt out of his bag and beckoned Johnny to come forward and receive it.
Johnny smiled and started to shuffle over towards Dodie.
"This started out as a friendship bracelet, but I have been working on it for eight years and it just kept growing and growing." Dodie said as he lept up onto a table to stand above Johnny.
"What a tremendous gesture" said Miss La Vella "What is it made of?"
"I call it my Fag...
...Tag...
...Gag!"
screeched Dodie as he wrapped the belt around Johnny's neck and lifted Johnny off of the floor.
The object restricting Johnny’s windpipe was appropriately named as it was indeed manufactured entirely of locker loops, which Dodie had been ripping off of the backs of Johnny's shirts since the second grade. The Fag-Tags had been woven together quite meticulously and were now restricting the flow of oxygen to Johnny's brain.
Johnny blacked out for the second time in the same day, only to again wake up in the health room. When Johnny came to Mr. Smiley was again taking Johnny's pulse, only this time Mr. Smiley seemed to be sweating profusely and checking his own pulse with his other hand.
When Johnny was released from the health room he skipped down the hallway, hall pass in hand. Johnny was giggling and happy. He had just been told that today was a pep rally day.
Chapter VI - Anatomy of a Rally. On Pep-Rally Fridays each of the seven class periods was shortened by seven and a half minutes. Pep Rallies were held at the end of the day in the school auditorium.
Attendance was required. Seventh period class marched over together but seating was organized by year. Seniors sat together in the middle section of bleachers, flanked by Sophomores and Juniors.
Senior class president, Chaz, would start the proceedings with a few cheers and announcements. These were not generally well received however. Chaz was well known but not well respected or liked. Chaz was popular in a Toilet Paper-the-Yard-Every-Weekend sort of way but not in a good way.
While Chaz talked the respective year classes would verbally challenge each other and compete. Call it pep or class pride, it usually went like this:
"SENIORS!", "SENIORS!", "SENIORS!".....
"JUNIORS!", "JUNIORS!", "JUNIORS!"....
After Chaz would come the football team or selected members thereof. They would act rowdy and a few of them would speak and disparage this week's football opponent. The other students would usually join in but it was probably due more to a desire to openly scream obscenities than to any actual disdain for the other team or
school.
Finally, came the skits or humorous portion of the pep rally. These weren't actual "skits" but usually involved football players and cheerleaders pitted against each other in some sort of relay race competition. Be it a sack or three-legged race or carry-an-egg-on-a-spoon-in-your-mouth type race.
You get the idea.
Even Johnny liked pep rallies. Mainly because he was not singled out or noticed. At pep rallies he was a student, not "Shit Boy" or "Produce Pants". For forty five blissful minutes he would bask in the anonymity of the junior section. So it had been at this particular pep rally...until skit time.
Chapter VII - Who me?"This friday's skit is not going to be your usual skit." announced Chaz. No one appreciated the irony at the time.
"Today's skit would not involve football players and cheerleaders, but instead, eight randomly chosen students". (Actually, seven randomly chosen students and one purposefully chosen student who had made the unfortunate mistake of up-chucking on the captain of the football team's Members-Only jacket earlier in the day.)
As the first seven names were called out, the students were led to the auditorium floor, blindfolded, and seated in chairs, one beside the other.
Johnny was totally surprised when his name was called, but he stood up and shuffled to the front to take his seat beside the others.
As he was being blindfolded Johnny felt a little apprehensive.
What was going to happen?
However, once the laughter started Johnny felt a little more at ease. What ever was going on, the other students were loving it.
Johnny sat patiently and waited, laughter surrounding him.
Could this be a turning point in his life?
Chapter VIII - Cuttin Loose.Johnny felt something slimy being dumped on his head.
Laughs started from the crowd.
What was this warm wet substance dripping from his head, down his shirt, into his lap, and then onto the ground?
More laughs and a second bucketful.
It didn't sting his eyes like urine - Dare he taste it?
Johnny slowly reached down to the floor.
He cupped his hands together and scooped up a mound.
The laughter subsided as Johnny lifted his hands to his mouth and took a huge gulp.
SAUERKRAUT!
Johnny ripped off the blindfold to behold the entire student body
wearing noseclips and pointing at him while laughing.
Jaws began to drop as Johnny shoveled more and more kraut into his mouth.
Suddenly Nicole, a nerddy girl seated on the last row of bleachers, near the announcer's booth, fell dead.
No one saw what struck her in the left temple and killed her.
No one noticed a blue and brown projectile shoot from Johnny's anus at 200+ miles per
hour...
..but there the Renuzit lay at Nicole's feet, although most of
it was smeared about her face.
The recoil from the Renuzit launch knocked Johnny forward and he fell face first into the kraut.
He began licking kraut off the ground with his tongue.
Due to the noseclips Johnny's schoolmates were oblivious to fact that a rectal eruption was filling the auditorium with noxious fumes.
Few noticed a shortness of breath because the entire assemblage fell silent as Johnny lapped up the last dab of kraut.
Everyone sat mesmerized for what seemed like an eternity as Johnny
stood motionless on his chair all the while spewing forth a putrid
geyser.
Chapter IX - Rebel Yell.Johnny scanned the crowd of his peers in disgust.
There were the jocks who had constantly pummeled him.
Invisible clouds continued to waft forth from his britches.
Johnny cast an icy glare at the cheerleaders - he had never even fingered one of them.
The discharge from his fanny had now dwindled down to a bubbling sputter.
You could have heard a pin drop as Johnny stared coldly at the freaks, who had also regularly pummeled him.
Then a faint smile passed over Johnny's face - A glean in his eye.
Finally Johnny spoke.
"If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me?..."
Or was we shouting?
"...For I must be travelling on, now, 'Cause there's too many places I've got to see..."
Or singing?
"...But, if I stayed here with you, girl, Things just couldn't be the same..."
Almost instinctively the freaks started reaching into their
pockets.
"...Cause I'm as free as a bird now, And this bird you can not change..."
Only Murf realized what was about to happen and dove for Skeeter's bic as he raised it above his head.
"...Cause I'm as free as a bird now, And this bird you can not change..."
No one knows which freak's lighter's flint actually ignited the
conflagration.
Fire engulfed the auditorium as Johnny continued to bellow.
"...Lord knows, I can't change..."
The girls with big hair were the first to go.
Flesh melted and bones burst into flame.
"... I can't chaa-ee-aa-ee-aa-ee-aa-ee-aange!"
It took the local fire department two days to extinguish the blaze.
No one survived.
Although it would be years before the townsfolk would speak publicly about what came to be known as "Brown Friday", It is well known in these parts that the phrase "silent but deadly" owes its genesis to the pep rally.
THE END
Ferry took the later route and is now the General Manager of the NBA's Cleveland Cavaliers.
