School of Flop - Flop Coach

Remember the Jack Black Movie, School of Rock?

I have an idea for a new movie, staring former Duke basketball player Shane Battier, called:

SCHOOL OF FLOP

Part IV - Flop Coach

Hey, this is former Duke basketball player and current Houston Rocket, Shane Battier.

You may remember me from my college career at Duke, simply as "Ridge Head" or "Klingon Head", but I am also known as "Flop-ee-aa" or "King of Flop"

The announcer and Shane are in a car and they pull up to a mansion.

Announcer - Is this where you live?

Shane - Yes, this is the house that flop built.

They exit the very expensive sports car and walk into the mansion

Announcer Looking Around - This is amazing, and you owe it all to flopping...

Holy &^%$, is that the World Cup Trophy?

The camera pans over to a desk, where the World Cup Trophy is being used as a paperweight.

Shane - It sure is, I was Italy's MVP in this summer's World Cup?

Announcer - You play soccer?

Shane - No, I was the team's coach.

Italy won this year's World Cup, by leading the tournament in "dives".

A soccer "dive" is similar to a basketball "flop" with a few subtle differences.

Now Battier is shown standing on a soccer field, decked out in soccer gear, sitting on the ground is the entire Italy soccer team.

Shane addresses the team - The same general principles of anticipation and technique, that make me a great flopper, will make you successful divers.

Shane pretends to be kicked in the ankle - If you are standing still and are fouled, even slightly, you must fall to the ground and grab whatever bodypart was touched, as you wince in pain.

Shane runs by and then pretends to be kicked in the ankle - if you are fouled while running, you must dive to the ground and complete as many forward rolls on the ground as possible. When you lose momentum and are coming out of the roll, grab the fouled bodypart and wince in pain.

As Battier is lying on the ground clutching his ankle, he glances at his watch.

Battier To Announcer - Let's go, I gotta get back to the States to coach my son's first pee-wee basketball game. I wonder what kind of team we will have?

The scene is now a basketball court where Battier is the coach of the Blue Devils, a team of 5 and 6 year olds. The assistant Coach is an old white guy named Pete.

Once the game starts, it is apparent that the Blue Devils are terrible. The Blue Devils do flop alot and are very good at drawing charging fouls on the other team, but the Blue Devils are undersized, miss all of their free-throws, and end up losing the game terribly.

After the game the camera pans to the Blue Devil bench and Battier is laying on the court, grabbing at his back, and wincing in pain. Battier is carried off in a stretcher.

Announcer - Shane was forced to leave the Blue Devils due to exhaustion and problems with back surgery. Assistant coach Pete took over coaching the Blue Devils.

The scene is outside of a hospital room. As the camera rolls into the room, Battier is jumping rope. Battier notices the camera, leaps into the hospital bed, and looks like he is in great pain.

Battier's family gather around his bedside. Coach K is there also. Everyone seems to be waiting on something.

In walks a Doctor with an envelope. He hands it to Shane who quitely opens it, removes a piece of paper, and reads it to himself...

Battier starts pumping his fists in the air and doing that two-fists-out-move-them in-a-circle-thing.

Announcer - What is it Shane, did you just find out that you do not have cancer?

Jubilent Battier - No, I just found out the Blue Devil losses this season are not on my record.

Battier holds up the paper so that the camera can zoom in on it. It reads:

PETE GAUDET (Interim Head Coach)
Overall Record: 3W - 14L