Kid Tip - A Parent Should Pick The Outfit

Ornament Spotlight - Fred

We bought and decorated our Christmas Tree this weekend. Pictured at right is Fred, an ornament that I made as a kid in UUFC Religious Education. Fred hung on my parents' tree for many years. You can't see it in the photo, but Fred has a cute little tail.

Blue Bells Get Trophies at Rollerskate Party

Worst Movie of The Worlds

We watched the summer blockbuster War of The Worlds, starring Tom Cruise, this weekend. This movie was not good.

It blew my mind that this was directed by Steven Spielberg. The plot was full of holes and was inconsistent. The human drama, story-with-in-a-story, about Cruise's character's relationship with his kids was was not at all compelling and was stupid. The never-ending scene in the basement with Tim Robbins was terrible.

Tom Cruise's career should take a bigger hit from this movie than from his wacko religious beliefs and his public statements about child birth and depression.

This movie made the Mel Gibson crop-circles movie look like hard core science fiction.

Did anyone like this movie?

What, exactly, stopped the aliens? The bird flu?

Kid Tip - Landing Gear

Do you hate it when you pick up one of your kids to move them somewhere and when you go to set them down, they refuse to stand up and instead hold their legs up and laugh or protest the place that you are trying to put them?


Do you wait them out? "I can stand here all day." Your arms may get sore and you are probably running late or you wouldn't have had to carry them in the first place.

The answer = Shake Like Hell! That will loosen up the old landing gear. Pulling the child up slowly and then following with a quick downward thrust usually does the trick.

Moon Landing Faked?

There are many people and even some scientists who believe that man never walked on the moon. There is alot of evidence that suggests that the U.S. faked the moon landings and that what was broadcast on July 20, 1969 (3 days before I was born) was actually filmed somewhere on earth. One such example is the fact that the flags in the Lunar photographs and video flutter, yet there is no air on the moon.

Just kidding ... If you honestly believe that the moon landings were faked, you are an idiot. That is why I am introducing a new feature called Turnipblog Challenge where I try to bait readers into agreeing with some statement or veiwpoint, and then debate them.

So, Turnipblog Challenge = If you believe that the Moon Landings were faked, leave a comment to this post outlining the evidence for your opinion, and lets get it on.

Thanksgiving

Buddy and Gina came to our house for Thanksgiving Dinner and spent the night. This drawing by Madeline pretty much tells the story, except no one was dressed as a princess.

Great Double Albums - Something, Anything

Something Anything(1972) by singer/songwriter/producer Todd Rundgren is a great double album. Who is Todd Rundgren?

Rundgren started his career as the guitarist for The Nazz, an underrated 60's band from Philly who were named after a Yardbirds song. Then Rundgren started producing albums and releasing solo albums under his nickname Runt. Throughout the 70's, 80's and up to today (I believe), Rundgren has continued to produce other bands (ex. = Meatloaf's Bat Out Of Hell), release solo albums, and release prog rock albums with his synth driven band, Utopia. Basically, Rundgren is really weird, here is a link to his official website: tr-i

Rundgren is often called a one-hit-wonder for his 80's song I Don't Wan't To Work, which is ridiculous because Something Anything contains Rundgren's biggest hits.

Something Anything was Rundgren's third solo album and he produced it and played every instrument and sang every part on the first three sides of the double LP, while a band accompanies him on the last side, which was recorded live in studio.

If you grew up in the 70's, you know Hello It's Me (remake of a Nazz song) and I Saw The Light (Carole King cover), but the rest of Something Anything is great. My favorites are It Wouldn't Have Made Any Difference and Couldn't I Just Tell You?, as well as the humorous:

"Piss Aaron, always caught him pissing in the hall. Piss Aaron, never would refuse when nature called"; and

"S - L - U - T, she may be a slut but she looks good to me."

Can I think of any other Great Double Albums? Stay tuned.

Girl Troll

Her name is Mary. Madeline won Mary at her school's fall carnival.

Chucktown Chasey

I have already introduced the ladies to Postmodern Chet and Raymond so here is one for the guys.

Guys, meet Chucktown Chasey

How to Fry a Turkey

I have been frying turkeys for almost 10 years and have found that this is the best and tastiest way to fry a turkey:

1. Get a turkey frying kit.

2. Get a turkey between 11 and 21 lbs.

3. Put wrapped turkey in pot and stand on its end. Cover with water. Remove turkey and mark the height of the water. Dump out water.

4. Thaw turkey, remove all junk from inside turkey and wash and dry it.

5. Inject the turkey with an entire small bottle of Franks Red Hot sauce. Concentrate on the breast and always pull the injector out as you inject so as to evenly distribute the Franks.

6. Mix together 1 part pepper, 1 part paprika, 1 part (celery, onion, or garlic) salt. Rub entire surface of turkey with that mixture.

7. Fill pot to mark you made earlier with peanut oil.

8. Heat oil to 400 degrees.

9. Slowly lower turkey, legs up, into pot. Temperature of oil will drop.

10. Cook turkey at around 350 degrees for 3.5 minutes a pound.

11. When done, remove turkey, drain, carve, eat. (Turkey is done when leg will pull off easily and liquid at joint is clear)

Any Questions?

Disappointing Loss!

By now, I am sure everyone has heard about the disappointing loss. It was disappointing because the excitement had been building all week.

It was all anyone in Columbia, including Turnipblog, could talk about.

Let me set the scene. The crowd was in a frenzy as we waited for it to begin.But from the very beginning, something was missing.Toddler: Look in the big red car mommy - its Anthony, Murray, Jeff, and ... Sam."

Sam?

That's right, Greg, the lead singer, had to go back to Australia for hernia surgery, and Sam stood in.

As I said, the loss was very disappointing.

Here are some more photos.

College Football Blog-tacular Extra.

Poor Clemson Fan

There has been a Carolina-Clemson back-and-forth between attorneys on the internet this week. One Clemson grad was far more out-spoken and mean-spirited than anyone else. Everyone held off until friday and then let this guy have it. Someone posted the following photo of this person as a kid.Then a Gamecock fan posted a scan of a Dollar Bill that he won from this Clemson fan in a bet on the big game in 1992.In case you can't read the signature on the dollar bill, this was also posted...

Clemson Update - Whitehurst Earns Start

Get Saved!

Football Blog-tacular Abduction

Q: What's the difference between Clemson head coach and a brand new puppy?

A: Eventually the puppy will quit whining.

Did you hear that Tommy Bowden is only dressing 15 players for the football game? Supposedly, the rest can dress themselves!

Q: What is the difference between a Clemson cheerleader and a catfish?

A: One has whiskers and smells; the other is a fish.

No College Football on Moon?

Saturday I posted about International law and the fact that the AGREEMENT GOVERNING THE ACTIVITIES OF STATES ON THE MOON AND OTHER CELESTIAL BODIES, Opened for signature at New York on 18 December 1979, or (Moon Treaty) designates the moon as Common Heritage of Mankind.

I have always thought it sad that the United States has not signed the Moon Treaty and assumed that the U.S. had problems, from a greed and power standpoint, with the following provision:

"The moon is not subject to national appropriation by any claim of sovereignty, by means of use or occupation, or by any other means.
Neither the surface nor the subsurface of the moon, nor any part thereof or natural resources in place, shall become property of any State, international intergovernmental or non-governmental organization, national organization or non-governmental entity or of any natural person. The placement of personnel, space vehicles, equipment, facilities, stations and installations on or below the surface of the moon, including structures connected with its surface or subsurface, shall not create a right of ownership over the surface or the subsurface of the moon or any areas thereof."

But, upon a closer reading of the 1979 Moon Treaty, the "Utopian" vision for the moon laid out in this treaty is totally Un-American and the treaty should never be signed by the U.S.

Gravity issues aside, The Moon Treaty leaves no place for Lunar Football, much less Toddlers.

Article 3 of the moon treaty reads:

The moon shall be used by all States Parties exclusively for peaceful purposes.
Any threat or use of force or any other hostile act or threat of hostile act on the moon is prohibited.

College Football Blog-tacular

Welcome to a weeklong College Football Blog-tacular!

If Kentucky beats Georgia, at Georgia, this weekend, then the Gamecocks will be SEC East Champs.

(At Paydirt's request) Note to Florida Fan:

You are not a football school!
You had Spurrier for a few years but now he is gone.
It was a nice run, but it is O-VER!

Free Legal Advice ...

BEIJING (AFP) - A Chinese company has had its license suspended after it tried to make money by selling land on the moon.

The Beijing Lunar Village Aeronautics Science and Technology Co. managed to sell large swathes of pristine lunar property before being shut down, the state -owned Xinhua news agency reported on Monday.

The company, claiming to act on behalf of an entity referred to as the Lunar Embassy in China, charged 298 yuan (37 US dollars) for each acre (0.4 hectare) on the moon, according to the report.

Each lucky new owner of lunar soil was issued a "certificate" that ensured property ownership including rights to use the land and minerals up to three kilometers (1.9 miles) underground, Xinhua said.

Li Jie, CEO of Lunar Embassy, said that 34 clients bought 49 acres (20 hectares) of land on the moon in the first three days after his company became operational last month.

Here is some free legal advice... Don't purchase any portion of the moon from a chinese company.

Although no one currently owns the moon, you can bet that U.S. companies (Haliburton), not any Chinese company, will soon be profiting off of the moon, despite the fact that some lesser countries consider the moon The Province Of Mankind, or The Common Heritage of Mankind, under: the (1967) Treaty on the Principles Governing the Activities of States in the Exploration and Use of Outer Space, including the Moon and Other Celestial Bodies (commonly known as the Outer Space Treaty); and the (1979) Agreement Governing the Activities of States on the Moon and Other Celestial Bodies (the Moon Treaty).

Don't worry, International Law is totally voluntary, the U.S. didn't sign the Moon Treaty, and the Space Treaty doesn't prohibit private companies from profiting off of the moon.

A Cold War Victory for All!

Beer. That's right, Russian beer. I like beer. The guys that run the "Discount" Beverage Mart near my house told me to try a Russian beer called Baltika. It is fantastic. Here is a link to Baltika Website. I tried and really like the number 3, number 5 and number 6 (that's right, 7%).

Allergy Workout

Want to give your allergies a good workout? Take the kids to Country Adventures, in Blythwood, SC, like we did last Sunday.

Follow me through a pictorial journey into Allergy Hell.

AH...AH...AH......CHOOOOO!

So that's why they call it "hay-fever"!

Has to be a hoax.

Click on the story below to enlarge.

 
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Old West Tales - Lost, found, lost again.

For an introduction to Old West Tales, click here: Old West Tales - Introduction

One night, near the end of first semester in Old Well, one of my suite-mates, Bell (of the Graham Boys), lent me an ID. It was a NC Drivers License from one of his frat brothers who had recently turned 21. It was the perfect fake ID for me. Bell had thought to loan the ID to me because the photo looked just like me. Actually, the ID looked like me, but better. You could even say that the ID looked more like me than I do, ... You get the idea.

I lost the ID that night and told Bell, who was pissed. A week or so later, I found the ID under the ottoman in my room. I kept it and didn't tell Bell.

First semester ended and it was time to go home for winter break. I put Brian the gold fish in a milk jug with the top cut off full of tap water, and drove back to Columbia.

I had a two friends, Richard and Chip, who lived in a condo In Five Points. One night Raymond and I went down to five-points and went to Group Therapy (a bar). As we stumbled out of the bar with a large stream of people, there was a cop standing there hitting on the girl who worked at Group. The cop randomly plucked me from the stream of people and asked to see my ID. This cop was a huge smart-ass and was showing off for the girl, I confidently handed him my North Carolina ID.

The cop said, "This is a fake ID."

I said, "No its not, that is me."

The cop said "I know its you, but it is not a real ID."

Raymond had stumbled past the cop, but came back when he heard the cop being such an idiot about the ID, "That is a North Carolina ID."

The cop got annoyed with Raymond and walked him over to his police car and put him in the back seat.

Then he walked back over to me, "Where are you staying?"

"Right There." I said, pointing to the condo.

"I tell you what," said the cop, "If you admit this is a fake ID, then you will not get in trouble, but I am going to take the ID and drive you and your friend home and I don't want to ever catch you using a fake ID again."

I didn't know if I could trust the cop or not so I looked at the girl working the door, who I knew somehow. She nodded that the cop would be true to his word, so I fessed up.

"Go get in the car with your friend." said the cop, turning his attentions back to the girl that he was hitting on.

I walked over to the patrol car and opened the back door to get in with Raymond. Raymond jumped out of the car ... said "I'm getting out of here!" ... and started running.

I just stood there dumbfounded. The cop saw Raymond running and ran up to me...

The cop yelled as he ran toward me "Why did your friend run?"

Then, without waiting for an answer, "You should have run too ... get in the car!"

I got in the front seat, next to the cop. The blue light went on, and we took off with high beams on, looking for Raymond who had fled the scene on foot. The cop sped around the five-points area for about ten minutes, all the while with blue lights and high beams on, disregarding stop signs. He was really starting to get pissed and I knew that he was going to take it out on me.

Then, as we rounded a corner in a residential area, Raymond came, trotting and huffing, obviously winded, from behind two houses. We were only about two blocks from Group Therapy.

The cop sped toward Raymond, who froze and put his hands up in the air.

The cop cuffed him and stuffed him, all the while asking "Why did you run?" The cop decided to charge us with under-age drinking, a fine and ticket. As we were driving to the station for processing the cop kept saying "You shouldn't have run."

As I was getting finger-printed, the cop looked at my information and said:

"Turnipseed ... isn't your dad some kind of communist?" Then, without waiting for an answer, "Well he isn't going to get you out of this one!"

So I lost the perfect ID twice. At least I wouldn't be lying to Bell anymore.

Camp site at 7:00 pm

This weekend we went camping at Dreher Island State Park in Chapin, SC. This is what the campsite looked like after watching the Gamecocks become bowl eligible and then celebrating all day.

Pin-the-Wart-on-the-Witch

Cyndy planned a Halloween Party for Madeline's 5k class. I was in charge of drawing a witch on a poster-board for Pin-the-wart-on-the-witch's-nose.

Now, thanks to Turnipblog, you can play along at work or home...

Go get a highlighter or sharpie, close your eyes, and see if you can do any better that a bunch of 5-year-olds.

Pep Rally - Chapter IV

If you missed, or want to re-read, chapters I, II, and III,

Click Here.

Chapter IV - Dyspepsia.

... No sooner had Johnny crossed the threshold of the tray dump area leading into the cafeteria when his knees buckled and he fell to the floor grasping and scratching at his esophagus and projectile vomiting towards the table where the most popular kids sat.

The last thing Johnny could remember before waking up in the health room was catching a strong whiff of coleslaw, falling to the ground, and Murf yelling "Be careful not to pull his finger!" as a crowd gathered to gawk and chuckle while Johnny puked.

The next thing Johnny remembered was waking up in the health room with Mr. Smiley, the only male Health Room nurse in the Continental United States, in attendance.

"What are you doing?", asked Johnny

"Why I am taking your pulse.", replied Mr. Smiley.

"You've grown into quite a healthy young boy", Mr. Smiley commented as he was zipping up Johnny's pants.

"Here is your hall pass, now call me if you ever want to come over to see my swimming pool and snow-cone machine."

How to Become Republican...

...to find out, click here

Getting Scrappy - 13 ghosts

2 days ago, I posted that the TV show Joey had gotten Scrappy this season with the addition of a token black friend who adds absolutely nothing to the show. I have invented the term Scrappy to describe a particular type of jump the shark where a new cast member ruins a TV show or signals its decline; like when Cousin Oliver showed up on The Brady Bunch

If course, the term refers to Scrappy Doo, the puppy who came along to ruin Scooby Doo and send the cartoon into a downward spiral which reached rock bottom in its 1985 season with The 13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo. Never has a television show sunk so low.

In The 13 Ghosts of Scooby-Doo, Fred and Velma are gone and Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, and Scrappy are joined by: Flim Flam (an Asian toddler); Weerd and Bogel (2 ghosts who try to thwart the gang); and Vincent VanGhoul (warlock - looks like, voiced by, Vincent Price)

The show's theme song/introduction tells you all you need to know about the plot of this ridiculous show:

Vincent Ghoul: This is a warning to all living mortals that whosoever opens this chest of demons will release 13 of the most terrifiying ghost upon the face of the earth.

Weird : Lets get him Bozo.

Bozo : I'm with you, Weird.

All : Whooah!

Vincent : Only you can return the demons to the chest.

Shaggy : Why us?

Vincent : Because you let them out!

Scooby : Help!

Vincent : [Laugh] The 13 ghost of Scooby Doo!

Jumping the Shark Tank

In Yesterday's post, I mentioned that Will and Grace jumped the shark tank when they decided to have a baby together and/or Grace got married to Leo (Harry Conick Jr.).

For those who may not know, Jumping the Shark Tank is a metaphor popularized by the website jumptheshark.com used to describe the moment when a TV show is, in retrospect, judged to have passed its "peak" and shows a noticeable decline in quality, or when it has undergone too many changes that take away the original charm and interest. In TV, "jump the shark" moments follow a noticeable change in the show, such as a main cast member leaving or a change in setting, which are subsequently quoted as the marker point signifying when the show's decline started.

The phrase Jump the Shark Tank refers to a scene in a three-part episode of the TV series Happy Days first broadcast on September 20, 1977. In the "Hollywood" episode, Fonzie (wearing swim trunks and his trademark leather jacket) jumps over a shark while water skiing. This event coincided with Ritchie leaving the show and Fonzie moving in above the Cunningham's garage. The episode in question is often cited as an example of what happens to otherwise high-quality shows when they stay on the air too long and lose their interest.

Some Jump the Shark examples: When the show is in an academic setting, the main characters graduate and the setting changes from high school to a university; The "clip show" or retrospective, where the characters reminisce about the past with a collection of short clips from previous episodes; Main character or cast member gives birth; Main characters have sex, or marry after an extended period of sexual tension between them; The "very special episode," in which a sitcom or drama addresses a serious social issue in an awkward way; A cliffhanger season finale with a disappointing resolution; The same main character played by a different actor, when the original actor is no longer on the show either because he or she leaves voluntarily, is fired or dies suddenly; A show continues after the death of a cast member; Child actors enter puberty; A special guest star makes an appearance, which often involves someone playing himself or herself or a guest character; A major character is written out of the show and is replaced by an essentially similar character or role; When a show's star begins writing or directing a majority of the episodes; The producers start to dilute the show with too many spinoffs; and last but not least, if the actor Ted McGinley joins the cast, the show is OVER.

Tivo Update

Once the Summer-Reality-TV season ended it took us a few weeks to get into a TiVo groove with the new shows that started, so here is an update, listed by the day that we record the show (With Tivo, we watch them whenever we feel like it.)


Sunday
Desperate Housewives - Who is locked in the basement?

Monday
Arrested Development - Scott Baio as attorney Bob Loblaw = Genius

How I Met Your Mother - We Love this new friends-like show. "Suit Up", Doogie is back.

Out of Practice - If you missed this show ... don't worry, it won't be back next season.

Tuesday
Amazing Race - Why did it take the producers this long to figure out that family members would be mean to each other on camera.

My Name is Earl - Love it. Jason Lee as Earl is great. Hot Jamie Pressly as Joy reminds me of my girl college friends from Kinston, NC.

The Office - Having a very strong season 2.

Real World - Every week we curse ourselves for continuing to watch. I don't care about Danny and Mel. This week the kids went to Costa Rica for a "vacation" from living in an awsome house in Austin and going out drinking every night.

Wednesday
Yes Dear - Funny show.

Thursday
Survivor - Started slow, but picking up speed. Danni needs to eat.

Joey - Got Scrappy this season when superfluous-black-friend appeared out of no-where.

Will and Grace - Knowing that it is the last season is the only thing that keeps us watching. This show jumped-the-shark when W&G decided to have a baby together and/or Grace got married.

Weekend = Saturday Night Live (Real life wife of Jobe on Arrested Development, Amy Pohlers, is barely holding the show together)

Random = Cosmos, Daily Show, Leno - for monologue (my only source of news) and headlines.

For the kids: Hi-5, Sesame Street, Wiggles, Looney Tunes, Scooby Doo, and Banana Splits.

Carolina Q Cup

Saturday, we went to the Carolina Q Cup, a barbeque contest with 50 participants in 2 catagories, wood and gas. For $10 you get a fork and an arm band that allows you to sample all the BBQ that you want from the contestants. We didn't stick around to see who won because we had to go home and lay down.

Here is a photo of me standing in front of the trophies won by last year's world BBQ champion. And "oh, yeah - it was good".

Football vs. Baseball

I just heard that some team won the World Series last week and I didn't even know it was being played. Baseball is so lame it reminded me of the old George Carlin bit, Football v Baseball, which I have re-created for Turnipblog