Don't Like Lance Armstrong

I just don't like him. We definitely haven't seen the last of Lance. I recognize his amazing accomplishments and that cycling is a real sport, I just don't like him.

Come to think of it, I don't much like Sheryl Crow. Before Lance, she dated Owen Wilson and Eric Clapton and she got pissed when VH1 was going to reveal that she had a nose-job. Again, I like her music and her political views (see photo at right), I just don't like her.

Oh yeah, he's on the juice.

3 Dogs Looking

Reality TV Bullets

Brought to You by me and Tivo.

Big Brother - Eric is finally out. Final 6 alliance of Kasar/Janelle, James/Sarah, Howie/Rachel will not last. Prediction - Howie or Rachel will win BB

Rock Star INXS - Its down to 10. Could a girl really win?

Real World - Starting to drag, not enough conflict. Don't care about Danny and Mel.

So You Think You Can Dance - Auditions are over. 25 girls and 25 Guys going to Hollywood to work with famous choreographers. British judge guy is not witty or likeable or Simon Cowell.

How hot is too hot?

My rule of thumb has always been: If the temperature outside is hotter than human urine (98.6 degrees), then it is "too hot."

Today it is over 100 degrees, over 110 degrees with heat index.*

*According to NOAA, the "heat index" measures how hot a synthetic leather car seat that has been sitting in the sun all day feels on your bare skin.

Rockstar INXS double whammy

Last night INXS eliminated Daphna and Jessica from the competition after cruddy performances. This week JD slipped a bit, giving a sub-par performance of Queen's "We are the Champions". Marty (my wife's favorite, pictured at left) rocked out with Nirvanna's "Lithium" and Ty nailed REM's "Everybody Hurts".

"We are the Champions" is from Queen's 1977 album News of the world. News of the World is a good Queen album, but not as good as 1975's Night at the Opera or 1978's Jazz.

My 70's Memories - Big Wheel

Big Wheel

Q - You are coming down a hill so fast on your Big Wheel that you have to remove your feet from the pedals. What do you do when you reach the bottom of the hill?

A - Slam on the brakes (foot or hand, depending on the model), turn the wheel, and SPIN OUT!

Bunco Night.

Bunco is a dice game played by married women at parties where they gossip. Last night was Bunco night at our house. What that means is that my wife started planning what food she would prepare (after close coordination with her co-host) a week in advance and had the cleaning lady do a special bunco cleaning on a tuesday instead of the normal day. I had to take the kids and the dog and "go away" for a few hours. But I wanted to go to the Columbia UNC Student Send-Off Reception at NMR&S where a bunch of my friends work. Everyone is high on Tarheel pride after winning it all and I wanted to check out the new NMR&S building. Yesterday my father approached me at lunch (yes, I work for my father) and asked if I wanted to go to the Send-Off. Easy enough, I picked up the kids from home, drove them to my parents house on the other side of Columbia (about 24 minutes), rode with my father to the Send-Off, picked the kids up after my mother had fed them, and got home just as the tipsy wives were piling into minivans and SUV's to go have a few margaritas at the neighborhood mexican resteraunt.

Kid Tip - Cucumber Cookies

Introducing the "Kid Tip" feature where I will offer parenting advice.

Does Your child like cookies? Well then he/she will love cucumber cookies. Simply slice a cucumber crosswise (pictured above),and tell your toddler that he/she is eating cucumber cookies. Older siblings will giggle with delight as they help trick their little brother/sister into eating vegetables.

To pull this off, do not offer cucumber cookies in the middle of a meal, as that may tip the little one off. Instead, offer cucumber cookies as a dessert.

Princess # 1

In an effort to increase traffic to Turnip Talk, I will periodically post photos of "Princesses". Here is the first.

Other blogs suck.

As an experiment, I just went to 10 other blogs via the "next blog" button on the blogger toolbar of Turnip Talk. They all suck. I still don't understand how this blog has not caught on. The only way that it could be better is if I was a hot chick and posted photos of myself. Wait, I have an idea ...

Do you TiVo?

You may have noticed that from time to time I shamelessly promote certain goods or services. Although I have my fingers crossed, I am not currently being paid to pimp any of these goods or services. I endorse these products because I honestly think that it will make me cooler when you try and love them.

I really can't begin to tell you how TiVo has changed my life. Before I got TiVo, my sister and a friend (Brian Crotty) would constantly tell me about how great TiVo is. I resisted getting TiVo because TiVo people were so annoying, but now I wonder how I ever lived without it. TiVo digitally records your favorite shows, without any tapes.

Great things about Tivo:
1.Pause - You can pause whatever you are watching, even if it is live TV;
2.Losers watch commercials - When I go to a friends house and have to watch commercials it makes me want to rip my hair out;
3.Season Pass - If you like a show, you get a "season pass" and TiVo automatically records it whenever it comes on;
4.Sports - I can easily watch 2 football games at the same time and not miss any action. I started watching the Superbowl an hour and a half after it started and caught up with game in real time before it was over;
5.Watch while recording - We get the kids to sleep at 8:20 and then start watching Survivor, even though TiVo is still recording it.

I could go on-and-on, but I don't want to be like Crotty. I have added a link to the TiVo website to the links section.

Jambalaya

I am a master crock-pot cook. Last week I made terrific Jambalaya (pictured at left) with tomatoes and peppers from our garden.

Here is how: Cut up raw chicken and sausage and put in crock-pot. Add diced tomatoes and finely chopped hot peppers. Add bay leaf, cumin and enough beer to barely cover other ingredients. Cook on low all day and serve over rice.

Lazy River

Today we took the kids to the James Island State Park - Splash Zone. Here is a photo of Sam and I floating on the "lazy river".

"Rock on" sweet child of mine, but wash your blue dress, young wizard.

Q - What do I (1969) have in common with David Essex (1947), Slash (1965), Monica Lewinsky (1973), and Daniel Radcliffe (1989)?

A - Today is our birthday. I am 36 years old today.

The Pep Rally - Ch 1.


The Pep Rally

Chapter I - Sweet Dreams.

Johnny knew that his mother would be angry. She always told
him, "Now you get your sorry ass home before dark.", and Johnny had
always done what his mother told him, until tonight. Johnny spent
his last token, left the arcade, and started walking. It was dark,
and Johnny wasn't home. Johnny was scared, and although he didn't
know it yet, he was lost.
Johnny rounded the corner at a slow trot and started down the
alley. It was dark. So dark that Johnny didn't see the hulking
figure lurking behind the dumpster; until it was too late. In a
flash Johnny was knocked to the ground, straddled by the figure.
Johnny wanted to give the figure some money, but he knew that it
had all been spent on Q-bert. It didn't matter anyway, Johnny was
too scared to speak, or move. As the figure leaned over Johnny, a
large object slid off of the figure's back and landed with a thud
on the ground near Johnny's head. The object was a tremendous
burlap sack and as the figure opened the sack Johnny first
experienced the stench. An odor so foul that Johnny never forgot
it. How could he. That odor, that night, would haunt him for the
rest of his life.
Johnny looked up as the figure lifted a soggy yellow mass from
the sack. A cabbage. A very old, very rotten, very large,
cabbage. The figure forced open Johnny's mouth and crammed the
fetid cabbage in.
"Eat!"
Johnny did.
Then another cabbage. "Eat!"
And another, "Eat!"
At some point, during the next hour and a half, Johnny started
crying ... stopped resisting ... surrendered his will to the figure
... and started counting. He counted them one by one, cabbage
after cabbage ... eighty six, eighty seven, eighty eight...
Johnny woke suddenly from his nightmare the same way that he
had for the last six years, with his mother slapping his face and
telling him that it was alright.
"Wake up sorry ass, you were having another nightmare. Its
alright."
But it wasn't alright.
It wasn't just a nightmare.

Weekly Rockstar INXS Update

Last week I predicted that Neal would win the competition. I was wrong. This week Neal sucked and got eliminated. Marty, my wife's initial pick, still has a chance, but everyone would now agree that JD (Pictured at left) is the front-runner.


The last two weeks JD has blow everyone else away by working with the band and performing his own arrangements of "California Dreaming" and "One Hand In My Pocket". JD is good looking and has the whole "I was a homeless guy performing my music in the streets" thing going a la Beck.

I'm outta here!

That is how I will title posts whenever I think of the idea that will make me rich and/or famous.

4 words. Fictional Blog Mystery Novel. The story is not told serially in succesive blog posts, but rather the posts themselves are the mystery.

Ok, I am officially calling and claiming this idea now. I will talk to an intellectual property attorney next week and file the proper legal paperwork, but for now, I thought of it first. You know, someone probably has already done this, but if not, I am calling it.

I will start the blog as soon as I get a chance, but here is some more development.

Fictional blog with fictional information, Probably a hot chick. She is blogging ... here are some hot photots of me ... blog ... last night I saw something outside my window... blog blog ... Look of this photo of strange car following me ... blog ... there is someone tampering with my computer when I am not here .... blog blog... there is someone in my closet right now, please help! ...

Then evil antagonist has captured hot chick and starts blogging ... you will never catch me ... watch me torturing hot chick ... evil antagonist lets it sleep that he had been a regular commenter on hot chick's blog ... cop/psychologist starts blogging with evil antagonist ...

There is a brief outline. I'm outta here!

Garden Update

I put four new bamboo stakes in the garden last night and re-staked my tomato plants, which are as tall as I am. Cucumbers are really doing well. I canned my first jar of pickles this weekend. Peppers are also doing very well and we have been cooking with them and freezing them for weeks. I am very dissapointed in the okra this year. The plants are still very small and we haven't gotten any okra yet. I think it is too late in the summer to re-plant some of the okra plants, again.

"See Ya!" Coffee

I am a caffeine addict. I drink cola and iced tea all day long. If I don't drink any caffeine, I get a headache around lunch time. I used to drink coffee also, although I would limit myself to one cup a day (usually after lunch). Well, I no longer drink coffee because I have discovered energy drinks which are far superior because;
1. They taste better than coffee
2. They have all the caffeine of coffee plus other stuff like ginseng that wakes you up.
3. No coffee breath
4. They make your teeth less yellow than coffee
5. They are cold (Columbia, SC is hot as Hell 11 months out of the year).

I like Joker and Rockstar energy drinks, but my favorite is Monster. Try one, but don't be alarmed when your pee is bright yellow.

Misunderstood Pirate.

My son is in the hitting stage. We try to discourage it but have no luck. He often grabs things and yells "I'm Captain Feathersword!" and then starts hitting. This weekend he picked up the net that we scoop dead fish out of the fishtank with, pronounced himself "Captain Feathersword", and started hitting me with it. I keep explaining to him that Captain Feathersword doesn't hit people and that even if he did, his sword is not a hard object that can hurt people, it's a feather.

Hitting is bad enough, but take responsibilty for your actions and don't try to blame the Wiggles.

"Pep Rally" coming soon.

I wrote a story in High School entitled "The Pep Rally". Stay tuned for Chapter 1.

No adults please.

I hate it when adults get into pictures of my children. Whether it is a veiny leg, flabby arm, or shirtless grandfather, they ruin the photo.

Here is a perfect example from our trip to D.C. last year. I set this photo up for about 10 minutes, positioning my daughter perfectly, only to have this idiot tourist and his pot belly ruin my shot.

If you are reading this...

Is anyone reading my blog? How will I know? How will they find it? Do I need to give it a couple of days before I give up? Don't you want to get in on the ground floor so that you can say you read my blog the first week? I will answer two questions from the first person to comment on my blog.

Links section.

I added some links, the first of which is to the website of Turnipseed & Associates, the lawfirm where I work.

Rock Star INXS

We love and have a TiVo season pass for the new CBS reality show Rock Star INXS. The band INXS is looking for a new lead singer and Dave Navarro and Brooke Burke host. I think that Neal (pictured left) will win. My wife likes Marty. If a girl were to win (one won't), I would go with Heather. I used to get pissed off in the 80's when people talked about INXS being the first or only band from Australia. Hello, how can you overlook AC/DC, featuring the guitar weilding Young brothers, Malcom (The riffmaster) and Angus (The devilish schoolboy).

Bowl of slaw?

Went to lunch at a pool hall called "The Palace". Some of the greasiest food in Columbia, and I mean that as a compliment because grease = taste. Fries just taste soooo much better cooked in the same grease that chicken has been fried in.

Anyway, while waiting on my chicken fried steak sandwich, an old guy walked up to the the counter. When the owner asked this man what he wanted he replied "I will just start with a big bowl of slaw." Later I saw the same man seated at a table and he was indeed, eating a bowl of slaw (shredded cabbage mixed with vinegar and mayo, pictured at right).

Before I left "The Palace" I noticed that the man had moved again and was seated across a chess board from another man, this time he had some tea and was eating a hot dog.

Fell asleep early.

I fell asleep early last night, before 9:00. After we put the kids to bed, I didn't even make it past Leno's monologue to "Headlines" on TiVo. Funny thing is that I haven't felt even the least bit refreshed this morning after 10 hours of sleep.

The Nature of Worry

Today I was having lunch with a friend. He seemed troubled and said that he had a lot of things to worry about. This guy is 25, unmarried, no kids, and works at my law firm as a runner until he finds some sort of real (computer nerd) job.

I told him that he had no real reason to worry and that he was not really worried about his future, his want of money, etc., but was actually worried because he knew that he should be doing more to address those things.

He thought about it, and after a moment of deep introspection, told me that I was exactly right. He seemed amazed and thanked me.

I had correctly guessed that my friend worried like I do. I am described as "laid back". My wife does most of the worrying in our family. I seldom worry. I certainly don't worry about things that I have no control over. I, like my friend, don't worry about my situation, but about how and why I don't respond to my situation to improve it.

Welcome...

Welcome to my Blog.