Night Before Christmas, Law-speak-ized

Whereas, on or about the evening and/or night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain parcel of improved real property (hereinafter "the House"), a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, a mouse, a.k.a Rattus norvegicus. A variety of foot apparel that of or resembling stockings, socks or the like, had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House (but not becoming fixtures thereof) in the hope and/or belief whereupon St. Nick, a.k.a. St. Nicholas, a.k.a. Kris Kringle, a.k.a. Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e., the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e., dreams, wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon, the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of the appropriate sleepwear including head coverings, including but not limited to a kerchief and a cap.

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance. On or about that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonderment and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer.

The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and, in fact, was, the previously referenced Claus. Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction, and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen (hereinafter, both individually and collectively, "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional previously unnamed co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have similarly participated in the transportation of said Vehicle, but who was not, at this occasion, specifically addressed or identified by said Claus.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that, in clear violation of several Federal Motor Carrier Safety Regulations (see, e.g., §393 Subparts A and B and §658.17), the Vehicle was heavily laden (indeed, excessively and dangerously so) with packages, toys, and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House and landed upon and resting thereon said House’s roofing structure. Said Claus repelled into said House via its chimney, which was specifically not the intended use of said chimney and exceeded the express purpose for which said chimney was constructed.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which may or may not have met the flammability standards for clothing and apparel (see, 16 CFR Part 1610, et seq.), and which was partially covered with residue from the chimney. Claus carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. It is now known whether said toys and/or gifts were approved by the Consumer Products Safety Commission (hereinafter “the Commission”) or whether said toys and/or gifts were age and gender appropriate so as not to shock, frighten or offend said minor children residing in said House.
In direct violation of local ordinances banning the use and/or consumption of tobacco products in domestic dwellings, Claus was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe thereby further endangering the health and safety of said residents by willfully and wantonly exposing them to second-hand smoke and creating a significant risk of fire to said House and its residents due to the potential fall out ashes or other incendiary tobacco by-products.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stockings of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items are provided pursuant to and in accordance with the Uniform Gifts to Minors Act of the United States Tax Code; however, it was expressly understood and agreed that Claus would not provide and/or submit the appropriate W-9 form on behalf of said minor children. Party of the first part and party of the second part expressly assume any and all liability and tax consequences for accepting and/or receiving said gifts from Claus).

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer, and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim:

"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" or words of similar meaning and intention.