Can't Tase This

Let me set the stage for this video.

On September 17, 2007, Senator John Kerry addressed a Constitution Day forum at the University of Florida in Gainesville.

Toward the end of the question and answer period, University police forcibly removed Andrew Meyer, a 21-year-old student,from the forum, restraining him through direct force and stunning him with a Taser.

Several videos of the episode were then posted on the Internet and these became viral videos because Meyer says "Don't tase me, bro!" and it is hilarious.

A Bean Water Tip

Beans are cheap.

Poor people eat beans to survive.

Some beans taste terrible.

Long ago, people figured out that you could grind up these nasty beans and run hot water over them to make a drink.

This drink is cheap to make - The ingredients are nasty beans and hot water.

This bean drink is called coffee.

A company called Starbucks has made a lot of money selling this cheap bean drink.

Is Starbucks making a profit?

Starbucks own website says that last year they "paid an average price of $1.42 per pound of green (unroasted) coffee".

If you grind up a pound of coffee beans that you paid $1.42 for, and run some hot water over them, how many cups of coffee could you make?

It really doesn't matter, because Starbucks charges way more than $1.42 for just one cup of coffee.

How much money does Starbucks make?

Starbucks has stores in all 50 states and 42 other countries around the world.

Starbucks figured out that if you put coffee in the refrigerator and then add a few spoonfulls of Nestle's Quick, that you can call it a "Mocha Frappacino Light Grande", and sell it to my wife for almost 5$.

Add wireless internet, and posers flock to Starbucks to waste their money on coffee and to be seen.

If that wasn't enough, Starbucks also sells over-priced pastries and CD's.

I gave my wife a Starbucks Card in her stocking.

According to Starbucks' website - "Starbucks Card, a reloadable stored-value card, surpassed the $2.5 billion mark for total activations and reloads since its introduction in 2001."

The other day, we were out shopping and stopped into a Starbucks drive-through for a Mocha Frappacino Light Grande.

There was a "Tip Jar" at the drive-through.

I totally lost it. I grabbed a pen and some paper, scribbled a note, and stuffed it into the tip-jar.

It read...

You have got to be f___ing kidding me.

I find it preposterous that you are asking me to supplement the income of your employees.

Do you think I am fooled into thinking that your employees are somehow like bartenders just because you call them "Baristas"?

Your "Baristas" are no different than the pimple faced teenager working at the McDonalds drive-through next door.

What is the most difficult task at Starbucks, making a Mocha Frappacino?

Maybe McDonalds should put a tip jar at their drive-through, because your fancy Mocha Frappacino machine looks a hell of a lot like the milk-shake machine at McDonalds.

Assembling a Big Mac or slaving over a fry vat has got to be more difficult than throwing a scone into a bag.

Here is a tip - Pay your employees out of your astronomical profits.

At least McDonalds sells delicious burgers and fries as opposed to bean-water and Kenny-G CD's

Glam Jam

You probably know that I consider the 70's the best music decade.

I love Glam Rock, which is about as 70's as it gets.

Check out Glam Jam, a glam music mix in the last fm player in the Turnipblog sidebar.

If you don't know what Glam is, watch this video featuring the holy trinity of Glam - Alice Cooper, Sweet, and T-Rex.

Late Christmas Present - Nadshot

Nadshot(link)

2007 X-mas Card

Fabregas is Sylar

The Arsenal Midfielder and the Evil Psycho from Heros are one in the same.

College Basketball is Back - Duke # 1

College basketball is back.

I am a North Carolina, and a South Carolina, basketball fan.

I went to North Carolina undergrad. The Heels are undefeated and are at the top of all College Basketball polls.

We have Gamecock season tickets and finally moved into the lower deck at the Colonial Center. The Gamecocks have a young team and will lose many close games this season.

Although the Heels are the best team in the country, their arch-rivals once again are leading the country in one important statistical category...

Duke is still #1 at WEF's

White-Guy Effort Faces

Will Ferrell + Jack Black = Funny

I love this scene with Will Ferrell and Jack Black, from Anchorman.

Attorney's Meeting Doodles

At work, we have an Attorney's Meeting every couple of weeks. Case notes are passed out at the beginning of the meeting.

After the last Attorney's Meeting, I looked at my notes and noticed that I had actually doodled on them quite a bit.

I decided to scan and post the doodles. Keep in mind, that I was just doodling out of sheer boredom and never intended for other eyes to see these doodles.

(Click on the doodles to enlarge)

Me Playing Binocular Soccer

I love playing soccer. If I ever get the chance to play on Saturday evening, the only pick-up game that I know of is the Asian game.

We always play with binoculars strapped to our faces.

Survivor China Disappointment

I was hugely disappointed with Survivor China.

After the season finale I was left with an empty feeling.

The producers always find a way to screw up the show and make it far less enjoyable.

I was so frustrated that I would yell at the television at least once an episode.

Q - What was it that I yelled,

in frustration,

at my television screen and my wife,

at least once an episode of Survivor China?

A = "WHY CAN'T THEY SHOW AMANDA'S BUTT!"

Seriously, why did they always blurr out Amanda's but?

They showed Jean-Robert's huge gut.

They showed Courtney (AKA Skeletor)'s emaciated body.

They showed Denise's pale, flabby, caveman body.

It made me literally cover my eyes on more than one occasion.

But no, America can't see Amanda's butt.

I can think of a few more offensive things that I have seen on television.

Santa Arrested

New Music Player

I have embedded a new music player in the sidebar from Last FM.

It is loaded up with Christmas music right now, check it out.

Spurrier Christmas Card

Remastered Star Wars 2008

George Lucas has Remastered and tinkered with the original Star Wars movie again.

As technology changes, Lucas just can't help himself. He claims that he lacked the ability to truely realize his vision of Star Wars back in 1977.

Watch this clip from the remastered Star Wars 2008 and see if you can detect the changes.

My Dad on History Channel

Q = Why did my parents (who are liberal, democrat, Unitarian Universalists) name me Jefferson Davis Turnipseed, when I was born in 1969?

To find out the answer, you must watch "1968 With Tom Brokaw" on The History Channel.

Tom Brokaw wrote a book titled "Boom! Voices of the Sixties: Personal Reflections on the '60s and Today". My dad is in the book. Now the book has been adapted to a television program on the History Channel, "1968 With Tom Brokaw."

Here is a link that discusses the show and mentions my dad(link).

"1968 With Tom Brokaw" is on The History Channel, tonight from 8 to 10 and then again from midnight to 2 am.

If you miss it tonight, it comes on again Saturday, December 15, at 5:00 pm Eastern time.

The Cruel Shoes

As I explained in the post below this one, in the mornings, my 4 year old son, Sam, always complains that his shoes and socks are hurting his feet.

It always reminds me of the Steve Martin short story "The Cruel Shoes"

To get the full effect, you must read the dialouge of Carlo and Anna with a ridiculous hispanic accent.

Cruel Shoes

Anna knew she had to have some new shoes today, and Carlo had helped her try on every pair in the store. Carlo spoke wearily, "Well, that's every pair of shoes in the place."

"Oh, you must have one more pair..."

"No, not one more pair... Well, we have the cruel shoes, but no one would want..."

Anna interrupted, "Oh yes, let me see the cruel shoes!"

Carlo looked incredulous. "No Anna, you don't understand, you see the cruel shoes are..."

"Get them!"

Carlo disappeared into the back room for a moment, then returned with an ordinary shoe box. He opened the lid and removed a hideous pair of black and white pumps. But these were not an ordinary pair of black and white pumps; both were left feet, one had aright angle turn with separate compartments that pointed the toes in impossible directions. The other shoe was six inches long and was curved inward like a rocking chair with a vise and razor blades to hold the foot in place.

Carlo spoke hesitantly, "... Now you see why... they're not fit for humans..."

"Put them on me."

"But..."

"Put them on me!"

Carlo knew all arguments were useless. He knelt down before her and forced the feet into the shoes.

The screams were incredible.

Anna crawled over to the mirror and held her bloody feet up where she could see.

"I like them."

She paid Carlo and crawled out of the store into the street.

Later that day, Carlo was overheard saying to a new customer, "Well, that's every shoe in the place. Unless, of course, you'd like to try the cruel shoes."

Existence of Dark Matter Confirmed

Sam is a terror to get dressed in the mornings and there is always a rush to leave on time for school.

Each successive article of clothing gets more problematic.

Shirt is usually ok, unless he insists on buttoning the buttons himself.

Pants is worse.

You pull the pants up and then there is a moment of silence and dread...

as you wait for him to stick out his bottom lip and scream...

"These do NOT fit!"

In Sam's defense, he does have a lot of large hand-me-downs and he is shaped like a lollipop, so he often needs a belt for his pants to stay on.

Socks and shoes almost always present a problem.

Apparently, if the socks don't match (exactly), then they don't "feel" right once the shoes get on.

Even if the socks match, you will almost always get one of these once you put the shoes on and endure the moment of silence and dread...

"no, No, NO!"

My 4 year old son has provided what has eluded astophysicists for years...

proof that dark matter exists.

It can't be seen or measured, but Sam can feel it in his socks and shoes.

All I can do is reach in the sock or shoe and pretend that I got the "bump", while hoping that I got the dark matter and the shoe will feel ok when I put it back on.

Lord of the Rings v Star Wars Movies

Here is a clip from the movie Clerks II where it is debated which movies are better, the LOTR movies or Star Wars Movies.

Danger is Fun.

Best Band of Brothers?

The other night, I was watching "America's Next Band" or some such show.

It was terrible. The judges were; the singer for the Goo Goo Dolls, Sheila E., and a smart-mouth-english-guy that I had never heard of (wonder where they got that idea).

All of the bands on the show had to cover Rolling Stones songs.

One of the bands were 3 brothers and they played "Gimme Shelter" and added their own "Peace"lyrics at the end. LAME!

This got me thinking.

What is the best rock band where 2 of the members are brothers?

Leave a comment to vote.

I can think of many good band featuring brothers and many crappy bands featuring brothers.

Jonathan Lee Riches

In an earlier post, I asked who this is:

The responses were:

"Britney Spears", "Willa Cather", and "my mother's douche bag".

All wrong - It's actually Jonathan Lee Riches, or JLR for short.

JLR is known for the many lawsuits he has filed in various United States district courts. JLR is incarcerated at Federal Correctional Institution (FCI) Williamsburg in Salters, South Carolina, for wire fraud under the terms of a plea bargain. His projected release date is March 23, 2012.

Since January 8, 2006, JLR has filed dozens of lawsuits, some of which have received considerable press attention.

Remember when I told you about JLR's handwritten lawsuit seeking $63 quintillion from Michael Vick. That's $63,000,000,000,000,000,000.

JLR claimed that Vick stole his pit bulls and sold them on eBay to "use the proceeds to purchase missiles from the Iran government."

JLR also sued 57 pages of defendants in a single lawsuit on March 9, 2006, including:

George W. Bush, Hillary Rodham Clinton, James Hoffa, www.google.com, Pope Benedict XVI, Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, John Deere, www.accuweather.com, Adolf Hitler's National Socialist Party, Roc-A-Fella Records, Shawn Carter (doing business at Jay-Z), Japan's Nikkei Stock Exchange, Gambino (crime family), Three Mile Island, Tony Danza, Islamic Republic of Iran, University of Miami, GEICO Insurance, Jewish State of Israel, Soledad O'Brien, Tsunami victims, The American Red Cross, Jessica Alba, Charles Moose, al-Qaida Islamic Arm,Fruit of A-Loom [sic], Outback Steakhouse, Donald J. Trump, Chris Berman, Shawn John Combs (doing business as Puff Daddy, doing business as Mr. Ditty [sic]), Vincent K. McMahon, Meals on Wheels, Saddam Hussein, Jewish workers at NBC/Universal, Elizabeth Smart, The Panama Canal Commission, Kelly Clarkston [sic], 13 tribes of Israel, Plato, Lincoln Memorial, Boris Becker, Various Buddhist monks, Christina Applegate, Jewish Mossad, National Vanguard Books, Mein Kampf, Venus Williams, Medieval Times, Denny's, Brotherhood of the Snake, Larry King, Larry King Live 9 p.m., Rastafarian natives, National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing, Ulluminati [sic], Wu-Tang Clan, Wu Wear Inc., Nordic gods, The Da Vinci Code, Sears Tower, Mike Tyson, Native American Fish Society, Green Bay's Lambeau Field, Pizza Hut, Ming Dynasty, Barry Bonds, Gangs in Hong Kong, Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, National Hockey League Players' Association, Philadelphia Eagles (2005 roster, including Donovan McNabb), The Waffle House, survivors of the Holocaust, Dane Cook, Paris Hilton, Dennis Hopper, Mount Rushmore, Skittles candy, and the celestial object Pluto...

Well, let me tell you about one of JLR's newest lawsuits. It's a one pager that claims to have been filed while JLR was in solitary confinement in a South Carolina Prison;

Jonathan Lee Riches, Plaintiff v. John W. Hinckley Jr.; Jodie Foster; St. Elizabeths Hospital; James Brady; Timothy McCarthy;Thomas DeLahanty.

JLR is seeking 25 Million dollars from Defendants for 8th amendment violations of cruel and unusual Punishment. The prison thinks JLR is the next John Hinckley and the prison is afraid JLR uses his Lawsuits as a weapon of mass destruction . . .
JLR is subjected to Used Boxers, No Cosmetics, no books, and screaming Inmates.
Hinckley told FCI Williamsburg to leave JLR in solitary, to rot, so JLR can be mummy wrapped in Ziploc and sent to the National Archives.
If JLR dies in solitary, He moves this court to know He will die as a martyr . . .
Hinckley is spreading plague to JLR's my mind.

Here is a link to the actual lawsuit (link).

I don't understand exactly how Jodie Foster fits in?

Meet Brutus

Best Cartoons Ever - Rabbit Fire

Welcome to Best Cartoons Ever. To read earlier installments, click the Best Cartoons Ever link on the sidebar to the right.

"Rabbit Fire" is a 1950 Looney Tunes cartoon starring Bugs Bunny, directed by Chuck Jones.

The short, guest starring Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd, is notable for being the first film to feature a feud between Bugs and Daffy.

The "duck season/rabbit season" argument from this short became one of the most notable references of the Looney Tunes franchise, and is often imitated.

New Dukie V Book

So this weekend I am watching college basketball and Dick Vitale says:

"College basketball! Is there anything greater? We’re talking athleticism and excitement, pageantry and emotion! And we’re talking passion, my friends, passion unsurpassed. Whether it’s Christian Laettner hitting a turnaround jumpshot to defeat the Kentucky Wildcats in the greatest game ever played, or JJ Redick waving to his beloved admirers in venerable Cameron Indoor Stadium, you just can’t escape the conclusion - this is the greatest of sports! It's awesome, with a capital A!"

The funny thing is, Duke wasn't even one of the teams playing.

The above quote is from a new book about Dukie V.

From the website:

College basketball is hotter than ever, with Dick Vitale personifying America's passion for the game.

In recent years, however, the popular commentator has been criticized for his apparent love of Duke University. Fans are annoyed by his recurring tendency to launch into Duke tributes, regardless of the teams playing before him.

Equally annoying is an over-hyping of Duke in general. Many view Duke as the recipient of favoritism by game officials and the holder of an undeserved pristine image. Similarly, fans resent the description of Coach K-a man known for courtside profanity-as the ultimate "class act."

If you are one of the countless hoops fans who are nauseated by the media's love of Duke Basketball, then this book is for you. The book presents a season-long series of parody columns, each written to mimic "Dukie V's" lingo and cadence. Each column begins with a hot basketball issue, such as Florida's chances of repeating as national champions, but veers off-course as our hero spirals into gratuitous Duke drivel.

In addition to spoofing Dukie V, the columns poke fun at the purported greatness of Duke, a program that has managed three national championships in 100 years of basketball.

Thank God College Football is Almost Over.

Why am I glad that the 2007 College Football regular season is over and only the bowl games remain?

Is it because I don't like College Football?

No. I love College Football.

Is it because the Gamecocks and the Tarheels sucked this year?

Not really. I have fun tailgating at USC games and don't really care about UNC football?

It is because there is a word that I can't stand.

A word associated w/ College Football.

A noun.

A word that makes me cringe when I hear it.

I would hate the way this word sounds even if I didn't hate the object that it names.

A word that other people love to say as much as I hate to hear it.

I want College Football to be over just so I don't have to hear this word again for a few months.

"TEBOW"

I'm Outta Here!

This may very well be my last post.

By this time next week I should be very rich and will probably never speak to any of you again.

Check out the text of an actuall e-mail that I got today.

ATTN:Turnipseed

I am Barr. Stuart Dickenson, the personal attorney to Dr. Timothy Turnipseed, a national of your country who passed away on the 24th of February 2005. My client, his wife and their only daughter were involved in a car accident along Rabat - Fes expressway (fes the Historical City) while on vacation.

Since their tragic death, I have made several enquires to locate any of their relatives to come forward and claim his inheritance which is valued at about $5.7m USD deposited in the bank and property valued at between $1m to $1.5m USD. Unfortunately, all my efforts in this direction have been fruitless. The bank recently served a notice that my deceased client's account will be confiscated and diverted to other purposes if nobody comes up to stand as his next of kin due to dormancy. Hence, I intensified my effort and through the web directories got your details and contacted you

I will therefore be glad if you can stand as the next of kin of my deceased client since both of you share the same lastname /surname so that the bank can release the fund to you. The fund will be shared in the ratio of 50% to you and 45% to me while the remaining 5% should be for expenses and tax as your Government may require. I wish to assure you that this transaction will follow all legal procedures that will protect you from any breach of the law and by this you have nothing to fear whatsoever.

I look forward to reading from you so that we can decide on how to proceed.

Thank you for your kind co-operation

Stuart Dickenson (Esq)


YOU CAN ALSO REACH ME THROUGH MY PRIVATE EMAIL ADDRESS
(stuart.dickensonchambers01@yahoo.co.uk)


Kindly furnish me with the following information in order to expedite the process;
1. Your full name as stated in your international passport.
2. Your residence address, age and occupation.
3. Your Cell phone and Fax numbers for easier communication